


in a daze

by nxiro



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, basically a long complete novel, high school delinquent AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24326545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nxiro/pseuds/nxiro
Summary: Their trademark red eyes caused a fervor of discrimination amongst not only adults but also their peers. But they learned to bear with the burning hate, just as they learned to bear the scorching summer heat. / High school delinquent AU. [renamed from "Blindfold Gang"]
Relationships: Amamiya Hibiya/Kisaragi Momo, Enomoto Takane | Ene/Kokonose Haruka | Konoha, Headphone Actor/Snake of Clearing Eyes, Kano Shuuya/Kido Tsubomi, Kisaragi Shintaro/Tateyama Ayano, Kozakura Mary/Seto Kousuke
Comments: 12
Kudos: 25





	1. Let's Daze!

**Author's Note:**

> this is a rewritten, MUCH BETTER version of my long project (bc i cringe every time i read the older version aka my 8th grade writing)
> 
> originally published on [ff.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10710619/), completed 8/14/2016

The concrete seemed to flicker under the summer heat, hazing up, smoldering the surroundings. The city landscape seemed like a mirage at times, but it constantly bustled with life and activity. Office workers rushed to their jobs early in the morning, and students ran with youthful energy to catch the subway to their morning classes. Children kissed their parents goodbye as they caught up to their friends in nursery school, living their lives free of worry.

The most activity was not, however, caused by the salarymen working nine-to-five jobs or the ordinary students in school. No, Mekaku City was not so simple. Rumors circled the town like crows around a rotting corpse, all centered around the various delinquents and gangs that plagued the streets. Oh, how the adults hated these teenagers. According to them, these teenagers were the cause of the country’s destruction and the plunging of the economy; anything that went wrong in the world was blamed upon the delinquents, the scapegoats of modern society. 

As expected, the teenagers themselves despised the adults. The constant whispers and disgusted glances usually fell upon one of two groups. AZAMI was a gang of twelve clad in black, the fiercer one of the two. The adults feared them, conjuring rumors of their crimes and prayed day and night for their arrest or their punishment by the law. Although AZAMI was widely despised, the other of the two famous scapegoats didn’t have it much easier either. 

The Blindfold Gang was a group of nine teenagers who grew up enduring the disgusted gazes of the adults. Their trademark red eyes caused a fervor of discrimination amongst not only adults but also their peers. But they learned to bear with the burning hate, just as they learned to bear the scorching summer heat.

* * *

“Shintaro Kisaragi!”

The black-haired teenager glanced up from his phone lazily at the teacher’s sudden, frustrated outburst. He surveyed the entire classroom slowly, aware that all eyes were on him, before turning his attention back to his phone screen. 

“Yes? What do you want, Mr. Satou?” he asked, yawning. 

“I don’t care how good you are at your studies, but your attitude in class is simply unacceptable! You can’t just disrupt class by breaking class rules and norms like that! Put away your phone, or I’ll have to confiscate it.”

Shintaro rolled his eyes as he let out a sarcastic laugh. “What else am I going to do when you can’t teach?”

“What did you say?”

“Isn’t it the truth?” Shintaro stood up, swinging his backpack over one shoulder and putting his phone into his pocket. His teacher visibly tensed up as Shintaro studied the math problem on the whiteboard and smiled confidently. “You’re teaching implicit differentiation. Wondering why this problem didn’t work out and you wasted an extra ten minutes of the class’ time on it? You forgot to use the Chain Rule to differentiate the y to get an extra factor dy/dx.”

“What did you—”

“I don’t blame you,” said Shintaro, sighing. “Calculus is hard, and it’s one of the most common mistakes to make. What did I expect from public school education, anyways? Listening in class is meaningless when I can do everything by myself. Thank you, however, for your  _ great _ service. Keep up the  _ amazing _ work.”

“Kisaragi, you—”

“This is why I hate adults. They think they’re right in everything and they can never get off their high horse. That’s all the bullshit I’ll take for today.” Lazily, Shintaro stood up and walked towards the door, doing his best to ignore the pleading, puppy-dog eyes of his stupid deskmate and her pleas of “no, Shintaro, please don’t leave.” Slamming the door behind him, he put in his earphones and headed towards the rooftop. 

A gust of wind greeted him as he opened the door to the rooftop area he usually liked to spend his time at. It wasn’t that he skipped class often; in fact, he was one of the few who rarely skipped class out of  _ them _ . He only did it when the teachers were being a little too…  _ unreasonable _ .

“Why are  _ you _ here?”

Ah. That snotty voice belonged to none other than Takane Enomoto. There she was, the ferocious she-devil stuck a petite 5’2’’ body. As always, her electric blue hair burned his eyes with its vibrancy, and her irritated tone made him want to strangle her, despite knowing very well that he was physically weak and she would beat him in seconds. As number 6 of their gang, she was known to be a tech expert and near-professional hacker. 

“I should be asking you that. Unlike me, you actually need your classes,” said Shintaro as he took a seat across from her. Eyeing the shooting game that she focused all her attention on, he sighed as he pulled out his phone once again.

“Shut the fuck up, Kisaragi, I am busy as hell right now.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure PUBG is top priority. What happened to DEAD BULLET? Too good for it now? Didn’t think you’d be one to follow trends blindly.”

Ene looked up once her match was finished (won by her, without a doubt) and kicked him in the shin. “I’m just testing the waters. DEAD BULLET is still the best. Also, we’re literally delinquents. You’re the only ‘good student’ in our gang, and you literally never let us forget about it.”

“It’s funny how society labels us. We’re just doing our own thing here. No need for the adults to get all fussy about it. It’s idiotic,” said Shintaro laughing. It seemed ridiculous that, after growing up as the model student and receiving marks of nothing less than 100 on his exams, he would be a part of a gang of delinquents, holding the code number of 7, which was coincidentally his lucky number. But here he was, united with his friends by a common hatred of adults, the obvious of the world, and harsh, cold reality. 

“Wow, you sound  _ so _ emo,” said Ene, rolling her eyes, but Shintaro knew she agreed. The two may bicker constantly, but deep down, they had a certain degree of respect for each other. 

“Yeah, well, can’t help it. I’m skipping just because it’s a waste of time. I know all the content already.”

“Agreed. Class is boring as hell.”

“What, even though your precious  _ Haruka _ is there with you?”

Ene’s face immediately flushed red as the name left Shintaro’s mouth, and Shintaro grinned.  _ Score _ , he thought. Ene may prevail against him when it came to many arguments, but he knew she had a soft spot for Haruka Kokonose. There was not a single time the girl could conceal her dying love for her best friend, and it was always hilarious to see the headstrong, brash, sharp-tongued Takane Enomoto head over heels in love with his friend. 

“Kisaragi, you are  _ so _ dead to me,” said Ene, pulling her navy hood up and turning away to cover her face.

“Oh? What’s this party going on here? Please, let us join, too.”

Once again, Shintaro recognized this voice. It was Shuuya Kano, followed by Kousuke Seto. The brothers took a seat next to him as they opened up bags of chips and cookies, offering it to him and Ene.

“You guys are skipping, too?” asked Ene, taking an Oreo from Kano. 

“Totally,” said Kano. He was their gang’s number 3, but he acted like a leader just as much as their number 1 did. With his unfocused, joking personality, he was known to be carefree and mischievous, taking joy in pulling pranks against teachers and other students. Shintaro didn’t necessarily hate the guy (hate was too strong of a word—perhaps ‘strongly dislike’ would be a better choice), but Kano seemed to have some sort of personal grudge against him, so Shintaro was only returning such emotions. 

“Kano got into an argument with another student last class over a group project, so we’re on a strike,” said Seto, laughing. As number 2, Seto served as the gang’s main source of income, working at several part-time jobs in his free time. He was quieter than his brother and a kind-hearted person, often praised by his co-workers. Shintaro personally did not have the closest relationship with him, but he appreciated Seto’s kindness and normality, compared to the others. 

“Ridiculous,” Ene said, rolling her eyes. “Who would willingly pick a fight with us? They know our reputation.”

“That’s what I thought!” said Kano. “But some people have nothing better to do, I guess. Oh well, not a problem. More free time for us. Kido refused to participate in our strike, calling it petty, which I personally would disagree with. Aya-nee’s still in class, too.” He glanced at Shintaro as he mentioned his eldest sister’s name, and Shintaro sighed to himself. Kano was clearly an overprotective brother, but sometimes, Shintaro wondered if he was more than that, bearing possible romantic feelings for his adoptive sister. 

“Haruka’s in class, too,” said Ene, sighing. “Honestly, he’s too good of a student. Don’t know why he joined this gang in the first place.”

“Isn’t the answer obvious?” Shintaro couldn’t help but stare at her. He knew the reason, and so did the rest of the gang. Seeing Ene’s blank, confused gaze at him, Shintaro sighed and shook his head. Both Ene and Konoha were dense as hell, and he was close to giving up his role as Cupid Ayano’s little helper. 

“Hey, let’s forget about those good students and just ditch school altogether,” said Kano, a devilish grin spreading across his face. “Seto, take us home.”

“I can’t,” said Seto. Due to his various jobs, Seto was the only one out of the Tateyama siblings who got his driver’s license as soon as possible; Kido didn’t want to trouble her adoptive parents with the burden of financing a car for her, Kano decided to leech off of Seto, and Ayano was terrified by the idea of standing remotely near a vehicle, ruling her out of the equation.

“Why? You have your car with you,” said Kano. “Come on. The base is much more comfortable than the rooftop.”

“I’m not going to leave Marry here alone,” said Seto. Ever since he and the gang’s number 4 met, the two have been inseparable, partially due to Marry’s timidness and reliance on Seto. The girl barely spoke louder than a mosquito, but when it came to Seto, her shyness melted into the softest smile Shintaro had ever seen. The two have been in a relationship since the beginning of the year, and the lovey-dovey atmosphere that surrounded them made Shintaro sick. 

“Then what are we going to do for another 15 minutes, bored out of our minds?” asked Kano, collapsing onto his back.

“Could you guys quiet down a bit? I’m trying to sleep here.”

A voice from around the corner interrupted their dilemma. The four friends turned towards the direction of the voice, squinting into the shadows to see exactly who it was that dared to speak to them rudely.

“Kuroha,” said Ene, her voice full of spite.

The black-haired teenager emerged from the shadows, towering over them at a height of 6 foot. Kuroha Kokonose was definitely not a friend; he was part of their direct rival gang, and he never seemed to leave the Blindfold Gang alone. His twisted personality was terrible, even terrifying at times, as he was known to be a sadistic bastard. With his reputation and his actions, he could get the title of ‘delinquent’ trademarked, and he sent ordinary teenagers into a frenzy of crying and begging for mercy with a simple mention of his name.

“You say my name as if it’s a slur, Ene. No mercy to your best friend’s twin brother, huh?” he said, smirking. 

“Shut the fuck up. You’re nothing like Haruka. You’re a disgrace.”

“Wow, I’m hurt. Your words are getting sharper by the day. What am I going to do when you constantly break my heart like this?”

“I don’t know, maybe stop bothering us and just leave us alone?”

“I just think it’s interesting to observe you guys,” said Kuroha, circling around the four. “You guys are so… ordinary. And yet it’s interesting. You just go and live on with your petty little lives like insects without accomplishing anything… grand. Humans are always interesting to observe, don’t you think?”

“I’m sorry,” said Kano, cringing as he scooted back. “But that is the most emo thing I’ve ever heard. How old are you? Ten?”

“Exactly. You’re cringy as hell. How are you blood related to Konoha?” asked Shintaro, raising an eyebrow.

“Just leave,” said Kuroha, yawning. “Technically, I came here first. Find something better to do with your time rather than disturbing my nap.” With that, he retreated back into the shadows, leaving the quartet dumbfounded.

“Well, I guess that’s our cue to leave,” said Seto, packing up the snacks they had opened.

“Are you serious?” asked Ene, raising an eyebrow. “We’re just going to do as he said?”

“No use in picking a fight without a purpose,” said Kano as he stood up. “Class is almost over. Let’s go get the others.” Just as they left the rooftop, they spotted a familiar ball of fluff hiding by the stairs. 

“Ah, Seto!” said Marry, her eyes lighting up with joy. She ran over to them and immediately threw herself into Seto’s embrace, smiling to herself. 

Shintaro resisted the urge to show any sign of discomfort. They did nothing wrong, technically, but the sight of couples just made his single-from-birth self involuntarily cringe. Nobody showed any romantic interest towards him, and he certainly wasn’t about to make the first move. He’d rather eat his keyboard while livestreaming it than get rejected and suffer embarrassment for the rest of his life. 

“There you guys are! I knew you skipped class again!” 

Oh, for the love of God, it was her. Shintaro’s cool facade melted immediately as he saw that soft, brown hair, those red hair clips, and that ridiculous red scarf. His heartbeat quickened involuntarily as she stepped closer towards him, a terribly cute ( _ no, Shintaro, _ he told himself.  _ Not now. Shut the hell up. _ ) pout on her face.

Recently, whenever he was with Ayano Tateyama, he wouldn’t be able to remain his cool, composed self. She had been his deskmate since freshman year, and he dealt with her stupid self for years. Really, it was almost unbelievable how incredibly dumb she was, until Shintaro remembered that he had a sister who, whenever report cards were sent home, he wanted his parents to disown. She was the adoptive eldest sister of Kano, Seto, and Kido, their gang’s leader, so she always hung around them despite not being a part of their gang. To the public, she was a well-liked, friendly girl who never had to suffer any sort of discrimination from society. 

Despite her differences with Shintaro in personality and reputation, she had a strange attachment to him that even he himself could not understand. She claimed that she wanted to ‘break down his walls,’ to which he reluctantly tolerated because at this point, there was no use in trying to run away from her. And although he would never admit it, he secretly enjoyed her company.  _ This had to be some sort of mistake _ , he told himself. He definitely was  _ not _ going to put himself on the same level as Ene, who would be a completely different person in front of Konoha: flustered, constantly stuttering, and a tomato-red face.

Shintaro Kisaragi definitely was not in love.

“Come on, Seto and I were just protesting against unfair treatment! If this were France, our strike would be completely normal!” said Kano, laughing.

“Okay, I guess,” said Ayano, sighing. “Tsubomi just texted me. She and Konoha are by the snack bar.”

“Momo’s probably looking for the brat,” said Shintaro as the group walked downstairs towards the snack bar. He was hesitant about letting his younger sister join the gang in the beginning; their fight lasted for a week, and in the end, Shintaro gave in. He wanted to be a good brother and protect her from whatever dangers it would present, but in reality, she was the one who introduced everyone to him and joined the gang earlier, earning the code number of 5, so he had no say in such a situation. 

“Come on, don’t be so harsh,” said Ene, sneering. “Hibiya’s a good kid. You sure you don’t have a sister complex?”

“Shut up, Ene,” said Shintaro, rolling his eyes. He admitted he was a little bit overprotective, but he couldn’t brush Hibiya Amamiya off as just another one of Momo’s friends. The kid was a freshman, for god’s sake. Practically a little brat. But he and Momo were extremely close, and Shintaro didn’t know the kid well enough to see the intentions behind his actions.  _ Perhaps I did understand Kano’s dislike of me a little bit _ , Shintaro thought to himself, laughing dryly. 

As the snack bar came into view, Shintaro immediately saw the tall figure of Haruka Kokonose, member number 9 of their gang. Every time he saw his fellow seniors of the gang, he couldn’t help but marvel at just how much they changed their appearances from their past selves. After joining the gang, the two went by the names of Ene and Konoha respectively and dyed their hair bright blue and snow white as a form of rebellion. Therefore, the two stood out immensely in crowds, and Shintaro admired their courage to complete such an act and pull it off nicely. 

“Eating again, Haruka?” asked Ene, raising an eyebrow at the snacks Konoha cradled in his hands. She and Konoha were the only ones who still referred to each other with their given names; they tried to change towards the beginning, but it was too much of a habit for them, so they simply stuck to it. 

“Leader said she would treat me!” said Konoha, munching on a chip happily. 

Beside him, Kido sighed. “There’s not enough food at home today for the big guy here and I don’t have time for grocery shopping until tomorrow. Gotta keep our fighters fed.” Besides holding the code number of 1 and the role of leader of the gang, Tsubomi Kido was also the main cook, assisted by her apprentice Hibiya. Despite not looking the part with her masculine style and cool aura, Kido was a greatly hospitable person who took care of many of the matters at their base. 

“Ah, there they are! Why are you slow, Hibiya-kun? Hurry up!” Everyone turned their heads towards the direction the energetic voice was coming from. Momo Kisaragi, number 5 of the gang, approached them with a bright smile, followed by Hibiya Amamiya, number 8 of the gang. Although she was Shintaro’s sister, the two looked nothing alike, and she would always be heavily offended when someone remarked that the two acted similarly. 

“Shut up, there’s literally no point in running,” said Hibiya lazily. As the only freshman and youngest member of the gang, he had a maturity that contrasted with his age. Momo often joked about how much of an old man Hibiya was, to which he always retorted, “shut up, old lady.” 

“Well, now that everyone’s here,” said Kano, stepping to the front of the group. “Let’s leave this place. What’s the plan for the after school tea time?”

“Definitely not having a tea party and forming a band,” muttered Shintaro under his breath. He regretted making that reference as soon as the words left his mouth, but no luck; beside him, Ene heard and gave him a look of disgust, mouthing, “you nerdy shut-in.”

“Oh, I know! Let’s get boba!” said Momo excitedly. “I miss The Alley’s Black Sugar Boba  _ so _ much.”

“You’re so obsessed with boba,” said Hibiya, rolling his eyes. “Stop being a basic ABG.”

“Wait, come to think of it, doesn’t Kisaragi-chan’s outward image seem like the classic ABG?” asked Kano, bursting into laughter. “You’ve got the love for boba, the dyed hair, and the big Instagram platform with, like, hundreds of thousands of followers.”

“Acrylics check, clubbing check, breaking the dress code check… Sounds about right,” said Ene, laughing. 

“Oh, but if everyone else saw what she’s really like at home…” said Shintaro, shaking his head. “You have the weirdest sense of fashion, Momo. Seriously, what’s with that pink ‘Ooedo’ hoodie?”

“Hey! That’s my favorite one!” said Momo, pouting. “I just choose my public image carefully, that’s all. It’s for the better!”

It was true that Momo upheld such an image to the public, and Shintaro knew that in a way, she desperately worked to maintain it, and that he was partly the one to blame for it. He had known about her inferiority complex ever since they were little, and it had manifested simply because his parents never paid attention to her as a child, focusing all their attention on Shintaro’s perfect marks and achievements. He worried about her confidence often and tried to cheer her up in his way, but the damage his parents had done to her was irreversible, and she grew up wishing desperately for others to pay more attention to her. 

Perhaps that was why he started to dislike adults. Their intentions, no matter whether they be of kindness or malice, weren't important; they hurt others with every word, every gaze, every action, and they never take responsibility for the damage they’ve done.

“Okay, what about we get boba first, then we hit the arcade?” suggested Ene. “We haven’t been in a while, and I really want to try that new game they installed.”

“Sounds good,” said Kido. “Let’s go.” 

“Yes, leader.”

The group walked towards the parking lot, laughing amongst themselves and ignoring the bell that signaled for the last class of the day. Around them, other students darted out of their way in fear, staring at their trademark hoodies and red eyes. The gang ignored these stares, having gotten used to them by now.

The three people with cars and driving licenses in the gang sat down in the driver’s seat of their cars, and the rest of the gang split up according to their usual carpool groups. Marry sat in the passenger seat of Seto’s Hyundai, and Kido and Kano sat in the back. Ene’s BMW, which she bought herself with the money she saved up from video game competitions, was one of her most prized possessions, and Shintaro and Ayano sat in the back. Konoha drove Momo and Hibiya in his Lexus that his father was against purchasing but his mother insisted on buying before she passed away.

“ _ Please _ do not throw up in my car,” said Ene, glaring at Shintaro. Such a statement was emphasized every time he was in her car, but it really wasn’t his fault. Besides, that was one time. Just once.

“Well, if you would drive a little safer, then mayb—” Shintaro’s complaints were cut off by his own wails of anguish as Ene pressed the gas pedal and they sped off into the distance. Although they left their parking spot later than both of the other cars, they quickly passed them on the roads.

“Fasten your seatbelts, guys, it’s gonna be a hell of a ride,” said Ene, grinning madly. 

“You’re damn right!” Shintaro yelled. “It’s gonna be hell! Christ, woman, you’re gonna kill us all!”

“Isn’t that the fun of driving?” asked Ene, cackling. 

“Hell to the fuck no, lady!”

As they approached a red light, Ene rolled down her window to look at Konoha’s car next to hers. “Haruka, let’s race!” 

“I think you should drive safely, Takane,” said Haruka, laughing. 

From the back, Momo rolled down her window. “I’ve never seen Konoha-san drive fast before! We should try it!”

“Shut the fuck up, no we shouldn’t!” Hibiya said, frantically pulling Momo back. 

On the other side of their car, Kano rolled down his window. “You wanna race, Ene-chan? Seto, show them what we’ve got.”

From the driver’s seat, Seto laughed. “Driving safe is probably a better choice,” he said.

Ene shrugged as the lights turned green. “Shame,” she said. “Then we’ll be off first!” Following Shintaro’s shrieks of “no, please, please forgive me, don’t do this, please,” she brought her foot down sharply on the gas and took off. 

“See y’all later, suckers!” Ene called into the distance.

“Keep your goddamn eyes on the road, woman!”

After what seemed like an eternity of headaches and heart attacks to Shintaro, they arrived first at the boba shop. Shintaro massaged his temples as Ayano patted his back reassuringly, trying to catch his breath.

Ene turned to look at them. “That was fun!” she said happily. 

“No, it wasn’t!” Shintaro yelled back. “You could’ve killed us! How the hell did you get your license in the first place?”

“Don’t worry!” Ene said, laughing. “I know how to control myself. I won’t actually drive like this on the highway or when it’s dangerous!” 

“You better not,” said Shintaro, taking off his seatbelt and stepping out of the car, praying his legs won’t give up on him. Although he hated Ene’s driving habits, he had to admit that she was the best at driving out of the three, no matter how hypocritical and counterintuitive that sounded. It was true; she drove extremely safely when she needed to, and she had never even scratched her car. After all, she had been driving for the longest amount of time, having gotten her license on her 16th birthday. 

“Oh, look, everyone’s here,” said Ayano. The rest of the group pulled up in the parking spots next to theirs, and they entered the shop as they laughed about Ene’s driving. As soon as they left the shop with their drinks, Shintaro started begging for mercy once again, and Ene laughed as she sat in the driver’s seat, continuously singing “no promises.”

The arcade wasn’t very far, and they reached their destination in no time, so Shintaro was thankful for only five minutes of suffering. They visited this particular arcade often, as it wasn’t far from their base and Ene was a game addict. Shintaro knew that this visit would end up as another of Ene’s challenges to him, who she viewed as her rival in shooting games ever since he beat her in her favorite game years ago. 

As soon as they entered the arcade, Ene dragged Shintaro towards the shooting games, and Shintaro knew better than to protest. In the corner of his eye, he saw the other girls head towards the photo booths, led by Momo, and the other guys walked towards the basketball machines as they teased Hibiya about his height. 

“Kisaragi, I’m going to beat you today,” Ene claimed as she sat down. 

“Sure, sure,” said Shintaro, sighing. Ene wasn’t terrible at games; in fact, she was very good at them, having won many competitions multiple years in a row. She dedicated much of her time and energy to these games, to the point that Shintaro even felt a bit apologetic for beating her. He didn’t play these games as much, but it was simply predictable. Just like life. So he excelled at it. 

As they finished their third game, won by Shintaro just like the previous two, he looked up to see that sweet, angelic face, and immediately, his heart involuntarily skipped a beat.

“Hey, I’m going home right now, so I thought I’d let you guys know,” she said, smiling. 

“Do you need a ride?” asked Ene. The two were extremely close friends, despite the differences in their personalities, and Shintaro could never wrap his head around such a fact.

“No, it’s fine, Seto’s taking me home,” said Ayano, smiling. “He wanted to say hi to Mom and Dad anyways.”

“Alright. See you tomorrow, then.”

“Yep!” She turned to Shintaro and smiled gently. “See you tomorrow, Shintaro,” she said in the sweetest voice.

He looked away immediately and nodded ever so slightly. 

After Ayano was out of earshot, Ene sighed loudly and kicked him in the shin. “You’re a fucking wimp,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“What the hell?”

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about,  _ Master _ ,” said Ene, putting an excessive amount of sarcasm on the title that came as a result of a bet. “You went from basically bullying her with your cold-ass attitude from freshman year to literally not being able to look at her properly now.”

“Shut the hell up, Enomoto, I can do whatever the hell I want.”

“Why don’t you man up and just talk to her? Like a normal person?”

“Wow, that’s rich, coming from you,” said Shintaro, rolling his eyes. “Why don’t  _ you _ woman up and just confess to  _ Haruka _ already?”

At this, Ene’s face flushed red. Giving him a glare, she walked off to join the girls at the Dance Dance Revolution machines, where Momo and Kido were having a dance battle. 

Shintaro sighed as he stood up and went to find the guys. Although he and Ene bickered, disagreed, and acted like they hated each other often, they really were similar deep down. 

They were just cowards.

* * *

“Wait, guys, what’s all of this?” asked Kano, pointing at the garage beside the back door of the arcade. It was almost dinnertime, and the gang was ready to go back to the base and have some of Kido’s best dishes. The sun was close to setting already, but a collection of spray bottles of paint that lined the garage door caught their attention, and the empty, grey door was too tempting to be left alone. 

“Someone’s trying to paint their garage door, I guess,” said Kido, picking up a purple spray can and examining it. 

“Well, well, well,” said Kano, a devilish grin spreading across his face. “Why don’t we do them a little favor?”

“What are you plotting this time, dumbass?” asked Kido, shooting Kano a look of disapproval. 

“Come on, Leader, don’t be such a goody-two-shoes! These materials are right here in front of us, as if asking us to finish the job! Let’s paint this garage and have some fun; this sort of opportunity isn’t common!” said Kano, picking up a grey can of paint and shaking it. Before anyone could say anything, he set the paint free onto the garage door.

“Looks fun,” said Ene, laughing as she picked up the dark blue can. “Let’s do this, guys!”

Everyone else turned to look at each other, and in silent agreement, grabbed their favorite colors and started their artwork. Within seconds, vibrant colors splashed across the dull garage as well as the teeangers’ faces, as bright as the smiles that spread across their faces. 

“Hey! What do you think you guys are doing?”

A sharp voice interrupted their frenzy as they neared the end of their creative process, and the teenagers looked up from the artwork. A group of adults advanced angrily towards them, hands on hips and all. After exchanging mischievous glances at each other, the gang immediately dropped their painting materials and dashed to their cars, ignoring the yelling and cursing adults. Laughing, Ene turned around stuck out her tongue and flipped them off while Kano took pictures of their artwork. 

“I’m assuming that I can drive as fast as I want this time?” asked Ene, smirking as Shintaro practically dove into the passenger seat. 

“Go ahead,” said Shintaro, sighing. 

Ene didn’t have to be told twice. With a violent kick to the gas, she sped off towards their base, with Konoha’s and Seto’s cars following hers. In the distance, they could hear the adults’ protests and insults, but everyone brushed it off casually, laughing as they drove home. 

As Shintaro leaned back against the cool leather of his seat, he thought about what had just happened and couldn’t help but chuckle. 

Ah, these ordinary days filled with idiocy and laughter. Just how much could he fall in love with this? Stuck in a daze, he looked out the window at the passing scenery, a faint smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

If it’s with them, he could change “loneliness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "social outcasts," "children vs. adults," "youth," "loneliness"
> 
> these are the main themes of not only this chapter but also the entire story. i wanted to highlight the teenagers' distaste for adults in the beginning to show their growth over time. delinquents are known to be teenagers who cannot integrate properly into society, and in a way, i started this AU because of the connection i saw between delinquents and the characters of kagerou project. they're all seen as "monsters" in canon so i wanted to explore that a little more in a real-world setting. i also love the concept of "青春 seishun," which is essentially the most beautiful part of youth, and i wanted to really show how amazing this part of life is. 
> 
> i also included references to the lyrics of "daze"; see if you can spot them in the chapter!


	2. Mekakushi Code

The smell of ashes and smoke still linger in the air around her. 

It wouldn’t go away. No matter how many times she took a shower, no matter how many times she changed her clothes and sprayed Momo’s expensive perfume all over her, it never left her. The fire was always there, buried in the depths of her mind. She felt it in her hair, tasted it on the tip of her tongue, and saw it in the depths of the red in her eyes. 

To this day, she could still feel the lack of air in her lungs as the world burned down around her, asphyxiation ripping away her strength and forcing her to collapse onto her knees. Her elder sister, that confident, iron-willed woman, dragged her back onto her feet. Cursing under her breath, her sister hurled herself at the locked basement door. No luck. The door stayed shut, and as the seconds ticked by, she started to lose hope as quickly as she lost her supply of oxygen. 

She locked those acrid memories away ever since her new life began, but it haunted her, tormented her endlessly, and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop the nightmares.

* * *

“You illegitimate little bitch. You should’ve died in that fire.”

The black ink was printed loud and clear onto the white parchment, and as all her friends crowded around to read the note posted on their front door, Kido felt her blood run cold. Within seconds, all the repressed memories of her past flooded back clearer than ever. With quivering eyes, she stole a glance at her friends, terrified of what they would say. They were silent for a few minutes, staring at the note in confusion. 

“What the fuck?” Ene finally broke the silence. “Alright, whose prank is this? Kano, it’s you again, isn’t it?”

“Whoa, hold on there, Miss Ene,” said Kano, taking a step back as everyone turned to look at him. “You’re accusing me a little too quickly, aren’t you? And without any evidence, too. Am I that type of person in your eyes?”

“I don’t know, but you’re kind of known as the prankster around here,” said Momo, narrowing her eyes as she examined Kano. “You look a little fishy.”

“Agreed,” said Hibiya. “Who’s this directed towards?”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Kano protested. “Quit drawing conclusions! I didn’t do it! Guys, what happened to trust?”

“That’s karma for you,” said Shintaro, taking a sip from his can of coke as he looked at the note.

Kido didn’t know what to say. Her mind spun as she ran through all the possibilities in her head. She knew it couldn’t be anyone in the gang; the only people who knew about her past life were Kano and Seto, and she knew that they wouldn’t play some sort of sick joke like this. She didn’t even consider Ayano; that girl was such a good person that she didn’t even curse. It couldn’t be her adoptive parents, and all of her past family members died in the fire. 

So who could it be?

“Leader, who could it be?”

Momo’s question yanked Kido back to reality. Her friends all looked towards her, and in that split second, she thought she saw mockery in their eyes. Shaking away the hallucination, she forced herself to turn back towards the note. With a shaking hand, she ripped it from the door.

“It’s just a stupid prank. Not a big deal,” she said in her best calm “leader” voice. She opened the door and walked straight towards the kitchen to make dinner, trying to conceal her trembling. Everyone else filed in after her, quickly forgetting about the hostile note and going on to relax.

But she couldn’t do the same. Oh, how the thought lingered in her mind and refused to go away as she chopped the carrots and washed the onions. She thought she had put all those years in the Kido mansion behind her when she met the Tateyamas and the gang, but her memories of those days were clearer than ever.

She had felt out of place for as long as she could remember. She didn’t belong anywhere, and “home” wasn’t a warm, happy place to be at. Whether it be at the various lessons her father made her attend or the parties she sat in the corners at, she knew that she wasn’t meant to be there. If she hadn’t been born, she would have saved her father and her sister the trouble of attempting to integrate her into a society that didn’t want her. 

She remembered the quiet whispers of the servants as she walked down the hallway. She remembered the strange looks she got wherever she went, whatever she did. She remembered how everyone seemed to have something to say about her, how rumors circled her like hawks around a rotting corpse. 

She remembered how much she wanted to disappear. 

As she stared at the steak simmering in the pan, she let out a long sigh. She reached for the salt in the cupboard in front of her, and immediately, she gasped. The flames that stretched upward reached for her right hand, singeing it immediately, and she pulled back as quickly as possible. As she stared at the dry, reddened skin, the familiar sensation of asphyxiation creeped back into her throat. Images of the house fire flashed before her eyes, and as she let out a wild shriek, she sank to the floor, clutching her wrist desperately. 

She heard a rush of footsteps as everyone ran to the kitchen. Marry let out a gasp of horror, and everyone else yelled out her name as they crowded around her. Hibiya turned off the stove, and Konoha ran to grab the first aid kit. 

“Oh, shit,” said Shintaro, eyeing Kido’s hand. “Are you okay?”

“What kind of stupid fucking question is that?” Ene yelled at him. “The fuck you think? Clearly not!”

“Kido, can you stand?” asked Seto. He helped her up and led her to the living room. Kano followed them, holding a bowl of cool water.

Kido winced as she immersed her hand in the water. Her mind refused to process anything that was happening, and although she knew her friends were worried, she couldn’t say anything. Caught in a daze, she could only stare at the burned area of skin on her hand. 

“It shouldn’t be any worse than a first degree burn,” said Shintaro, examining the wound.

“Yeah, hopefully,” said Seto. “We’ve got it from here, guys. Don’t worry.”

The rest of the gang looked at each other, conflicted, but nodded and left the siblings to themselves. 

Seto sighed and looked at Kido. “Are you okay? Is it because of the note?”

“Seto, just… Don’t say anything. I’m sorry.”

“Well, I’m calling takeout for dinner,” said Kano, already opening his phone. “Is Wingstop okay?”

“No, dumbass, I can finish cooking,” said Kido. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Kano, completely disregarding Kido’s protests. “You literally just burned your hand. Just take a break.”

“He’s right,” said Seto. “After 15 minutes, we can cover this in gauze.”

The next fifteen minutes passed in complete silence. Kido couldn’t bring herself to say anything, and her brothers stayed silent to respect her decision. Once the fifteen minutes were up, Seto helped her wrap gauze around the wound.

“I’m going back to my room.” Without waiting for a response, Kido walked quickly towards her room. She didn’t know what her friends thought about her loss of composure, and she was too scared to hear it. 

Momo wasn’t in their room; Kido assumed she went to Ene’s room next door to give her some alone time. She was thankful for how understanding Momo was, and sighing, she fell back onto her bed. Staring at the gauze around her right hand, she bit her lip. Who knew that this still could have such a big impact on her? A single tear rolled down her cheek as she closed her eyes and returned to her nightmares.

* * *

When she opened her eyes again, it was dark. Reaching over to check the time on her phone, she realized that it was already way past dinnertime. Sighing, she rolled over to get up and froze as she saw a familiar figure sitting in a chair facing her. 

“What are you doing?” she hissed.

“Come on,” said Kano, laughing. “I’m just checking up on you.”

“You don’t need to,” said Kido, rolling her eyes in an attempt to conceal her embarrassment. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“Liar.”

Kido burst into laughter. “Wow, coming from you? Ironic.”

“At least I’m being honest to you right now. Come on, I’m worried.”

“What do you want from me, Kano?” said Kido, frustrated. 

“Talk to me. Don’t you trust me?”

Kido stared at the boy in front of her. Behind all the punches and kicks she threw at him was her unwavering trust and love for him, and she knew that he would be there for her no matter what.

So what was she scared of?

“You know the context of the note,” said Kido, averting her gaze. “You know it was directed towards me.”

Kano didn’t say anything. He got out of the chair and sat down on the bed, facing her.

“I don’t know who did something like this,” said Kido, her voice starting to shake. “Everyone from my past family died in that fire. Who else could know about something like this and threaten me? What’s their motive? I know that I’m not supposed to exist. I know that I should have died in that fire years ago. I know that I should disappear altogether. What do they want from me?”

Without a word, Kano pulled her towards him. Surprised by his embrace, Kido was at a loss of words. Kano had always been a mystery to her; how could he be such an annoying jokester at times but also such a reliable person whenever she needed someone? How did he know just what she needed at any moment without her having to say a word about it? 

“You know, you’ve always been acting so strong as our leader,” said Kano, running his fingers through her hair. “Maybe that’s partly my fault for forcing this title onto you. But at the end of the day, you’re still you. You shouldn’t disappear. This is where you belong. You don’t have to always be Leader Kido. You can be Tsubomi. Just Tsubomi.”

Kido buried her face into Kano’s chest, closing her eyes as she held onto him. Listening to their synchronized breathing and heartbeats, she silently wished this moment would last forever.

* * *

Kano insisted on walking her everywhere at all times, and after protesting for an entire day, she gave in to his stubbornness. It really wasn’t that big of a deal, she told him. Even though she constantly felt a pair of eyes following her wherever she went after the whole note fiasco, she was completely fine. Even if she really had a stalker, so what? She would pound that bastard silly within seconds. She was Leader Kido of the Blindfold Gang, after all.

But Kano didn’t believe any of that. The possibility of a stalker following Kido was alarming to him, and in some way, he must have felt some responsibility to protect her after listening to her worries. Kido didn’t want to burden him, but his stubbornness gave her no choice. They already usually took Seto’s car to and from school and spent lunch and after school together, so really, there wasn’t a big difference. But now, Kano waited for her in front of her classroom after every period and stuck close to her at all times. 

“Leader, I have a question,” said Momo, a sneaky smile on her face on the fourth day Kano named himself her “guardian angel.”

“Go ahead,” said Kido, already sensing what sort of question was coming.

“Does Kano-san like you?”

Kido sighed and looked away to conceal her embarrassment. Of course. What else did she expect? Such a question was bound to come. 

“I was also wondering that!” said Marry, her eyes lighting up. The girls loved to gossip, and Kido had to thank god that Ene was a senior and not in their class, or else this topic would absolutely destroy Kido. 

“Right?” said Momo excitedly. “He’s been escorting Leader ever since she was injured! What a gentleman! He must’ve felt terrible and wanted to protect you!”

“That’s so sweet!” said Marry, squealing. “And he calls Kido by her first name sometimes, too! Even though the three of them go by their last names!”

“Guys,” said Kido, massaging her temples. “I don’t know if you remember this, but he’s literally my brother.”

“Okay,  _ adoptive _ brother,” said Momo, putting strong emphasis on her second word. 

“Momo, would you date your brother?”

“Ew.” Momo’s face wrinkled up in disgust at Kido’s question. “Gross, no.”

“Exactly,” said Kido, leaning back in her seat. “He’s my brother. He doesn’t like me like that.”

“Okay, but he’s not your actual brother,” said Momo, clicking her acrylics against the desk. “You guys are more like… childhood friends, right? Also, he’s pretty good-looking, too. I heard from Hibiya-kun that Kano-san has a few freshman fangirls.”

Kido raised an eyebrow. Fangirls? Of that idiot? “Why don’t you date him then? You guys get along pretty well.”

Momo burst into laughter. “LMAO, I’m good. He’s not really my type. But you guys look cute together!”

Kido sighed as the bell rang. The three girls gathered up their bags and walked towards the door, eager to leave class. “Thanks, I guess, but I know for a fact that he doesn’t like me in that way.” 

Just as she finished her sentence, she saw Kano waiting in the hallway outside their classroom. The girls gave her a knowing look, and before Kido could protest, they walked off happily.

“What’s with them?” asked Kano, taking Kido’s backpack from her casually.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Kido. Glancing at the boy in front of her, she couldn’t help but think about what her friends had just talked about. She had known Shuuya Kano for almost ten years now, and the boy had changed a great amount since the day they met. She didn’t know when his features started to seem more mature; the last time she checked, he was still shorter than her even with his ridiculous platform boots, but now, he was almost a whole head taller than her. 

His yellow cat-like eyes always had a glint of mischief about them, but they didn’t lose any of their charm when he became serious. When he looked at her, she felt a mixture of emotions she couldn’t describe, so she covered up those confusing feelings with violence. She knew why she felt strange around him; she was not stupid, after all. But she concealed those thoughts and pushed them to the back of her mind. She knew that Kano didn’t feel the same way.

“Is that stalker still there?” asked Kano as they walked to the parking lot to wait for Seto and Marry. 

“Relax,” said Kido. “I’m probably just overthinking it. There probably isn’t a stalker or anything. Stop worrying.”

“Your intuition can’t be wrong. Besides, until we find out who posted that damn note, we’ve got to stay cautious.”

“How do you expect to find that out?”

“I have my ways,” said Kano, flashing her a smile. “Don’t worry about it. Anything for you.”

“You’re an idiot. You don’t need to do all of this for me,” said Kido, rolling her eyes.

“Come on, Tsubomi, you know I love you.”

Damn it, Shuuya Kano, why did you have to be in love with Ayano?

* * *

Following the note that started it all came more threats. Kido didn’t know how her stalker got her number, but texts flooded her phone endlessly days after the note was posted on their front door. The words got more and more toxic by the second, and although Kido tried to stop herself from reading them, she wasn’t the best with self control. She tried blocking the number, but soon enough, a different number would start sending her messages, and she soon realized that resistance was futile. 

She considered telling Ene to trace these numbers, but she didn’t want to burden anyone with her problems. Besides, it wasn’t too bad; she already decided to be strong, and she certainly wasn’t about to let herself down. 

She didn’t tell Kano, either; who knew what sort of reckless thing he would do if he knew? She still didn’t know exactly how he was “handling” the situation, as he put it, and part of her didn’t want to find out. She didn’t know why he had to act so confusing; why would he act so sweet towards her sometimes when he was in love with Ayano? For the most part, Kido accepted it as part of his personality, but sometimes, just sometimes, she wondered why he was willing to do all of this for her.

But she knew to not have any expectations. Blood-related or not, Ayano was her older sister, and she wasn’t about to feel any jealousy towards her. Her feelings toward Kano have been successfully repressed, for the most part, and Kido was fine with remaining friends with him for the rest of her life. 

But recently, these thoughts have occupied her brain, and on top of that, the text threats didn’t stop. Kido’s mind was a mess, and she was far from being in the mood to listen to any boring lectures. The janitor’s room on the third floor was her favorite spot to be at whenever she skipped class. It was quiet and barely anyone knew about the spot; even the janitors barely used it. She could put in her earphones and blast her music loud while relaxing.

For the past few days, she skipped class quite often. Kano was visibly frustrated when she wasn’t in class when he waited for her, but he was partially the reason why Kido’s head was a mess, so she didn’t feel too bad for him.

She turned her favorite song up to max volume and lay down on the floor, closing her eyes. There were still 15 minutes until the end of school; she could afford a nap. As she rested her body, her mind drifted back to that house fire. 

Her past seemed crafted for a cliche drama character instead of a real person. Illegitimate child of a famous, rich businessman. Mother died from giving birth and immediately got sent to the Kido mansion. Grew up being raised as a rich heir, despite never having any possibility of inheriting anything. Surrounded by hushed whispers and rumors and disgusted gazes for years and years and years. 

Her elder sister was the only one who cared about her. She was the only real family Kido had before she met the Tateyamas. Rin Kido was confident, smart, and caring. She was who Kido wanted to be like, who Kido never was. Despite the difference in their statuses, her sister never treated Kido as any less of a person. As long as she had her sister, Kido endured everything else that accompanied her name. 

But that fire took away everything.

She lost her sister forever. The red-haired woman would no longer tell her horror stories and tease her about her fear of ghosts. When she woke up and found out that she was the only one who survived the fire her own father started, she felt more pain than she did when she was stuck amidst the flames that threatened to engulf her. The smell of burning was so real to her, as if she were stuck in that fire again.

No. It was too real.

Kido opened her eyes in shock and sat up. Immediately, she coughed and realized her vision was cloudy. Her heart pounded in her chest as she realized a feeling way too familiar to her:

Asphyxiation.

No. It couldn’t be. Kido looked around frantically, praying that it wasn’t true. Her gaze fell upon the remains of a lit candle and the flames that sprung up around the room. Fear paralyzed her limbs, and no matter how loudly she yelled and willed for her body to move, she was stuck staring straight at her nightmares. 

In those moments, every single second she spent in that house fire seemed to flash before her eyes. She could see her sister cursing at the flames that danced around them, mocking them for their futile resistance. She could see herself curled up on the floor, too scared to say or do anything. She could see the pain, the desperateness, and the despair. 

With shaking hands, she whipped out her phone to call any one of her friends. Her blood ran cold as she saw the words “No Service” in the corner of the screen. In one swift movement, she forced herself to do as her sister did: she hurled herself at the door, praying to leave this hellfire. It was in that moment that true despair gripped her. 

The door was locked.

Someone must have blocked the door from outside. As such a realization dawned upon her, she sank to the ground and curled up on the floor, just as she did years ago. What deja vu, she thought to herself. What a joke. 

Was she going to die here? If so, fate really has a way of toying with people. Was this to prove to her that she was supposed to die in that fire years ago? The fire around her was getting stronger by the second. She let out a faint laugh as tears rolled down her cheeks. If she cried enough tears, would it put out the fire around her?

Suddenly, she heard a faint knock come from the door. With wide eyes, she ran to the door once again. She knocked back from her side of the door, praying for someone to stay for long enough to help. 

“Kido?”

The sound of that familiar voice brought tears to Kido’s eyes. Her voice choked in her throat as she pressed her palms against the door, so relieved that it was him who showed up. 

“Shuuya!”

There was a short, shocked silence from both sides of the door. She hadn’t said his first name in years, ever since they created the gang and started going by their last names as “codenames.” She didn’t know how the name fell from her lips, but he must have realized that something was wrong, because she heard a few curses from the other end before a sharp noise and the door being opened.

There he was. She hated to admit it, but the moment she saw him, it felt as if she saw hope. It wasn’t necessarily an exaggeration, since if he hadn’t arrived, she would have been burnt to a crisp quite literally. Without any second thoughts, she threw herself at him, sinking into the soft fabric of his hoodie.

“Oh, what the f—” Kano’s outburst at the scene in front of him was cut short as he realized what was going on. He quickly led Kido out of the room and, after making sure she was safe, he ran to grab the fire extinguisher down the hall. In a few minutes, the fires died down. As soon as it was safe once again, Kano sat down facing her. 

“What happened?” he asked, the shock showing obviously on his face. “I just decided to skip class and look for you and I knew you liked this spot, so I just decided, ‘hey, why not try and see if she’s there.’ How did that happen?”

Kido shook her head. “I was just taking a nap. Then I saw the fire. And the door was blocked from the outside, so I was locked in. I think it was a melted candle, and everything caught on fire because of that.”

Kano furrowed his brows in confusion. “Are there usually candles in the janitor’s room?”

“No,” said Kido, as the realization slowly dawned upon her. If it wasn’t an accident, then someone just tried to kill her. 

Without another word, Kano stood up and walked back into the janitor’s room. After taking a few pictures and sending a few texts, he came back and sat down next to her. 

“Stupid question, but how are you doing?” asked Kano softly. 

“Stupid answer, but I’m fine,” replied Kido, rolling her eyes.

“Liar.”

“Learned from the best.” Kido forced out a light chuckle. “I don’t know. I’m still in disbelief.”

Kano leaned back against the wall. “Me too.”

“Thank god you showed up.” 

“This isn’t like the Kido I know,” said Kano, raising an eyebrow. “Where are the kicks and punches?”

“You’re still an idiot. I’ll be back to normal soon. You better be ready.”

Kano laughed. “I have some guys working on catching the culprit. It’s been hard, since there’s not many pieces of concrete evidence, but I think we’re getting there.”

“I probably should have shown you the texts then.”

Just as Kano was about to respond, his phone buzzed. Taking one look at the text, his mouth tugged upward into a confident smile. “Let’s go,” he said, standing up.

Hesitantly, Kido took the hand Kano offered to her and stood up. “Where are we going?”

“Seto’s taking us to meet someone.” Kano smiled at her. “Don’t worry. This will all be over soon.”

* * *

“We’re here.”

The three siblings parked a few blocks away from their base in front of another set of apartments. Kido was still confused as to where they were, but seeing the confident smile on Seto’s and Kano’s faces, she decided to simply wait and see. 

They stopped in front of one of the doors, and Kano rang the doorbell. Another high schooler opened the door, and Kido recognized him to be one of Kano’s friends. 

“We found who sent the note and started the fire,” said Seto, seeing Kido’s confused gaze. “This is probably the person who’s been following you lately, too.”

As they stepped into the room, Kido took a deep breath as she put on her best “Leader Kido” face and braced herself for the worst. She found herself face to face with a woman in her 50s who had a disgusted expression plastered all over her face as she glared at the two other friends of Kano’s who stared her down. 

“Too scared to respond to my texts so you got your men to do the dirty work for you?” The woman spat at her. “You’re just like her, you little bitch.”

“I’m sorry, but who the fuck’s this?” asked Kano. 

“I thought you were dead,” said Kido. Her voice was calmer than she expected, even though nothing could have prepared her for the sight in front of her. “Mother.”

There was a silence following her words. She could feel her brothers’ shocked gazes drill into her from behind, and even Kano’s friends exchanged a few surprised glances at each other.

The woman threw her head back and cackled. “Surprise, bitch, I’m alive,” she said. “And I’m here to make you pay for everything you’ve done to me.”

“What did I ever do to you?” asked Kido, more confused than upset. “I was good to you. I was practically a servant to you. Why do you want me dead?”

“Yeah, that part’s a  _ little _ confusing,” said Seto. “If you’re her mother, then why do you want her dead?”

“See, boys, my name is Reika Kido. Tsubomi here is  _ not _ my daughter. She is the product of my husband and some nasty whore from the streets. She was given a good, comfortable life at the Kido household just because the bitch that birthed her died and my husband felt some sort of remorse, or  _ something _ ,” she said, rolling her eyes. “She was given a name and a title and because of that, she caused the downfall of my life.”

“I fail to see how she ruined your life,” said Kano, raising an eyebrow.

“Are you dumb?” Reika yelled. “Because of her, everyone around me knew that my husband cheated on me! Everywhere I went, the rumors followed! Everyone started talking shit about me behind my back or even in front of me! She ruined my marriage and my perfect life! If she wasn’t born, I could’ve maintained my reputation. If she was sent away from the public eye, I wouldn’t have to suffer like this. If she didn’t exist, none of this would have ever happened!”

“I—” Kano broke off laughing. “Is this woman okay?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t think so,” said Seto, an amused expression on his face. 

“So you’re saying that it’s my fault that my father cheated on you? Do you sanely believe that?” asked Kido, incredulously. In her memory, her sister’s mother was not like this. She was always cool and composed, showing polite manners to everyone. Although the two were never close, Kido always showed the utmost respect for Reika, as she was taught to do so. Despite it being obvious that she didn’t care much for Kido, Reika never showed any sign of hatred towards her either. 

“I wasn’t supposed to end up like this. If I can’t live happily ever after, then you have no right to either.” 

“Do you think I had a choice in this? Do you really think I ruined your life, even though I literally couldn’t do anything to fix it?”

Reika sneered at her. “You could’ve killed yourself.”

“This woman needs a therapist,” said Kano.

“Look at you,” continued Reika. “High school delinquent and all, you think you’re so cool now? Childish. Grow up, wouldn’t you?”

“If the real world is full of adults like you, then I’d rather stay as a child forever.” Kido turned her back on the crazy woman and let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. “Let’s go.”

“Make sure to take care of all of this,” said Kano to his friends, who nodded in response. 

“Running away like a coward, huh?” Reika yelled after them. “Just like you’ve always been.”

Kido stopped in her tracks. Turning back to look at her past one last time, she smiled. “I’m not running away. I’m moving forward.” With that, the three left the apartment and headed back home.

“My friends called the police,” said Kano. “They’ll make sure that woman will never hurt you again.”

“Thanks,” said Kido, sighing. “I owe you one.”

“Come on,” said Kano, flashing her his trademark smile. “Between you and me, there’s no need to say thanks.”

“Everyone’s back at the base already. I think they ordered cake,” said Seto. “You deserve some rest.”

“Definitely,” said Kido, leaning back in her seat. “Thank god that’s over.”

Beside her, Kano snickered. “Speaking of which, your speech at the end was  _ so _ cool.” He turned his head back dramatically, mimicking Kido’s smile. “‘I’m not running away. I’m moving forward.’”

Instinctively, Kido kicked him in the shin. “Shut up, you idiot!” she said, embarrassed. “I didn’t say it like that!”

“I’m glad the old Kido is back,” said Seto, laughing as they pulled up to their apartment.

Kido couldn’t help but smile too. As a gust of wind tousled their hair, she tilted her head up and closed her eyes to take a deep breath. The smell of ashes had disappeared; the wind carried about a sweet smell, subtle, fragrant, and refreshing: 

The scent of a blooming flower. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "fire," "scent," "kido's past," "kanokido"
> 
> i've always been really interested in kido's past; being an illegitimate child probably caused her a lot of stress and canonically, she wished to disappear because of all the strange stares and whispers that surrounded her wherever she went. the theme of "fire" is also woven throughout the chapter, showing how it has affected her as a character. the change in the scents (ashes/smoke vs. blooming flower) that surround kido (her first name "tsubomi" means flower bud!) is something i'm pretty proud of; i'm a sucker for connecting the ending back to the beginning. you'll probably see a lot of these in the next chapters, too.
> 
> i wanted to portray kido's "girlier" side in this chapter. she's always portrayed as strong and leader-like, but deep down, she's just a normal girl who pushes herself a little too much. i also wanted to explore the gentler, more caring side of kano's character; he may seem like a prankster who's never serious, but when things get rough, he'll be there for the ones he cares about. in front of kano, kido can show her weaker side without being embarrassed and in front of kido, kano can drop his jokester persona. 
> 
> the character relationships portion is also inspired by a really interesting and well-written analysis i saw a while ago on kano's feelings towards ayano. i believe that ayano is kano's first love; he didn't develop romantic feelings for kido until later on. kido has known about kano's feelings for ayano and has chosen to keep quiet about it; after all, it was for sure family over romance for her.


	3. Kagerou Daze

The first time he fell in love with her, she was sitting at her desk in class, laughing with her friends about something he didn’t understand. They were only ten years old back then, not even old enough to know what “love” really meant. All he recognized was his quickened heartbeat as he watched her smile and flip back one of her pigtails, the “thump-thump” noise in his chest drowning out the world around him. His gaze never left her throughout the class, and the more he looked at her, the warmer his cheeks felt. 

He knew who she was; then again, who didn’t know each other in this small countryside village? She, however, was a different existence altogether. As the second daughter of the wealthiest family in town, she was practically a celebrity. From a young age, she had opportunities her fellow classmates could never even dream of having, able to sharpen her skills in piano, ballet, ikebana, and more. Her popularity was well-known; the saying “throw a rock randomly and you’ll hit a fan of Hiyori Asahina” had circled the town for a while now, and even as a fifth grader, she had rejected countless proposals of love already. 

He never believed in “love at first sight,” but when it happened to him, he dropped all of his past beliefs. She was brighter than any star he had ever seen before shining in the night sky, and he wanted to get closer to her. He wanted to protect that smile of hers, such innocence and purity. He wanted to make her happy more than anything else.

But she never looked at him, not even once. As they approached the end of middle school, he prided himself in being one of her friends, although she herself never admitted it. They didn’t talk much, but they were on okay terms, and to him, that was enough for now. They were the only two students of their class to leave their town and venture into the nearby cities for high school; sadly enough, they were going to separate cities, and he thought his feelings would fade slowly over time. No luck.

He fell in love with her again and again at different times, at different places, in different situations, but his love for her never changed.

* * *

“What’s she like?”

Hibiya looked up at the sudden question. He and Konoha have been sitting at the train station for almost thirty minutes now, and Konoha was running out of snacks, so Hibiya guessed that he was getting a little bored. It was understandable; she was fifteen minutes late, after all, and nobody could reach her. 

He, however, had never been so excited before. He was about to see  _ the _ Hiyori Asahina for the first time in almost a year. She was visiting Mekaku City for a week during break, since she apparently had family here. Her sister and brother-in-law were both at work during the day, so she reached out to Hibiya to help her get to where she was staying. He agreed excitedly, brushing away the fact that she probably just needed someone to carry her luggages, and asked Konoha to accompany him, since he clearly could not drive yet. 

“She’s… someone who would never hold back on what she wants to say. She’s straightforward and energetic, and she’s a really good person,” said Hibiya. 

“That’s great!” said Konoha, munching on his last Oreo. “I’m so excited to meet her! She’s your childhood friend, right?”

“Yeah…” said Hibiya. In reality, could he allow himself to call her his friend? They had drifted apart quite a lot during the year they spent in separate cities, and Hibiya was beyond surprised when Hiyori contacted him. But nonetheless, he was so nervous and excited to see her that he barely got any sleep last night.

“Oh, there you are.”

Hibiya looked up and he could swear that his heart skipped a beat. There she was. Her features had matured quite a bit, and she was just as beautiful as he remembered her to be. Her black hair was let loose from her usual pigtails, reaching the slightest bit past her shoulders. She wore a white t-shirt underneath a black strapped dress, and she tapped her black sandals against the floor impatiently. 

“Hiyori!” He stood up immediately. “Long time no see!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Her gaze turned to Konoha, who stood up with an excited smile. 

“Hi! I’m Konoha,” he said. “Nice to meet you!”

Hiyori studied the unfamiliar figure in front of her before smiling brightly. “Nice to meet you! My name is Hiyori Asahina! I hope to get along with you!”

Hibiya furrowed his eyebrows at Hiyori’s excitement. “Konoha’s one of my friends and he’s a senior at my high school. He’ll be driving us back today,” he explained.

Hiyori ignored his words and handed him her luggage. “Let’s go!” she said to Konoha instead. “I’m so tired and I need some rest. I hope Hibiya told you the address?”

“Yeah! If I’m not mistaken, I think it’s actually one of my friends’ houses! Do you know Ayano Tateyama?”

“Oh my gosh, yeah! She’s my niece! I know it’s weird, since I’m younger than her. But her mom is my older sister! I haven’t seen them in years! This is such a coincidence! It must be fate!”

Hibiya stared after the two of them and let out a long sigh. In a way, he wasn’t surprised that Hiyori would ignore him like this. To her, he was probably just a convenient associate who listened to what she said. 

On the way back, Hiyori excitedly claimed the passenger seat and rambled on and on to Konoha, who politely listened to her stories. Hibiya sat in the back and listened grudgingly, as these stories were not told for him. He had a bad feeling about Hiyori’s sudden interest in Konoha, but who was he to say anything about it? Hiyori barely even looked him in the eye upon arriving. 

He was right. As they got to the Tateyama household, Hiyori pulled him aside as Konoha was carrying Hiyori’s luggage up. 

“Does Konoha-san have a girlfriend?” she asked excitedly. “How did you guys meet, anyways? How is someone as cool as him hanging around you?”

“He… doesn’t,” said Hibiya hesitantly.  _ Sorry, Ene, _ he thought to himself.  _ I’m just being honest here. _ “We live in an apartment together with our other friends.”

“Then you best bet I’ll be visiting sometime soon!” said Hiyori excitedly. “He’s  _ so _ good-looking. Anyways, I’ll be resting here now. You can leave now.”

“I’ll see you around then.” No “thank you.” No “it’s nice to see you.” No “see you later.” As Hibiya left the apartment, he could hear a crack forming in his heart as he let out a loud sigh. Hiyori wasn’t like him; she was always straightforward and fearless, and she always spoke her mind. 

If she didn’t say something, then that thought probably never even crossed her mind in the first place.

* * *

Over the next few days, Hibiya was tasked with running various errands for Hiyori. Whether it be going outside to buy any accessories or groceries or snacks she wanted or cooking lunch for her whenever the Tateyamas weren’t home, Hibiya did as he was told immediately. With a single text message from her, Hibiya would jump up from his spot on the couch at the base and sprint to the Tateyama household, eager to do whatever Hiyori wanted. 

In return, he got an occasional “thanks” or, if he were really lucky that day, a smile. Oftentimes, she wouldn’t even say anything. He tried to start conversations with her, but no luck. She would respond, but she was obviously disinterested, and he had to bring up Konoha to get her attention. 

The gang never questioned his unusual behaviors; they brushed it off as him wanting to help his childhood friend. At least that’s what Hibiya hoped they thought. His friends were enjoying their breaks, too, so they shouldn’t be focusing all their attention on him. Kido was attending indie concerts at livehouses, Seto was busy with his multiple jobs, and Kano was out doing god knows what. Marry and Konoha stayed at the base most of the time, and Momo was often out clubbing. Ene was at some sort of video game competition, and Shintaro shut himself in his room at all times. 

On the third day of Hiyori’s stay, Hibiya was repeatedly tasked with different errands. He would finish one of his jobs and sit down on the couch to rest when his phone buzzed once again with another request. He wasn’t exactly too unhappy about it; if it meant more opportunities to see her, he was fine with it.

When he stood up to run his fourth errand of the day, a hand pulled him back. It was Momo, who had a fiercer expression on her face than usual. 

“Where are you going?” she asked sternly. 

“Supermarket. Hiyori wants chips.”

Momo frowned. “And why can’t she go buy it herself?”

“I dunno. I gotta leave; she’s waiting.”

Momo stepped in front of him, blocking his path. “Why are you doing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t tell me you truly feel happy doing all of this. She’s just treating you as a convenient servant. She’s just using you!”

Hibiya glared at her. It wasn’t like Momo to use such sharp words, and he certainly was more than ticked off to hear them from her. “What do  _ you _ know? You’ve never even met her before!”

“Regardless, whatever she’s doing isn’t right. She has no right to make you do all of this shit. Have you even gotten proper rest these past few days? She’s been asking you to do this, do that every single day. Don’t you see what I’m saying?”

“Shut the hell up. I’m leaving.”

“Wow, that’s what I get for trying to care about you?” A cold laugh escaped from Momo’s lips. “You’re pathetic.”

“What did you say?”

“I said you’re pathetic.” Momo glared back at him. “You think doing all of this is going to captivate her attention? You think she’ll thank you or think highly of you?”

“Again, what do  _ you _ know?”

“Fine. Do whatever the fuck you want. Keep acting like a dog. See if I care.” Her words dripped with such venom that Hibiya involuntarily took a step back in surprise. She stormed off without another word, leaving Hibiya in stunned silence. It wasn’t that Momo never got mad, and they’ve certainly had their share of disagreements and fights before.

But this time, it felt different. It was as if they each struck a nerve with a topic that deeply concerned each other. He was frustrated. She hadn’t even met Hiyori before; how could she draw such conclusions? He desperately wanted to prove her wrong. There was no way Hiyori only thought of him as a tool. They’re friends. Right?

And why was Momo so bothered by his actions? It’s not like they affected her, anyways. Sighing, he stood up, packed up his things, and headed for the supermarket. Momo’s words circled around in his mind until he reached the Tateyama residence, making it difficult for him to meet Hiyori’s eyes. 

“Oh, you’re here,” said Hiyori once she opened the door. “What took you so long?”

“Sorry,” said Hibiya, handing over the chips she asked for. “Had a fight with a friend.”

“Oh? Tell me about it.” Hiyori stood to the side of the doorway to let him in. “I’m bored and I could use a story.”

“It’s not really a big deal,” said Hibiya, following her to the living room. It was weird to be familiar with the layout of Ayano’s house; he and Ayano barely spoke to each other, even though she got along well with everyone else. Although everyone in the gang was friends with each other, there were obvious cliques that formed. Out of everyone, he was closest with Momo and Konoha, and that was about it. Shintaro seemed to dislike him, and he hadn’t had the opportunity to get closer with any of the others. 

“Make it interesting,” said Hiyori, rolling her eyes. “Who’s the friend?”

“Her name is Momo Kisaragi. She’s a sophomore.”

Hiyori immediately bolted upright. “Momo Kisaragi?! Like, the internet famous Momo Kisaragi?”

Hibiya blinked. “Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that.”

Hiyori shook him by the shoulders. “How could you forget about that? She’s  _ sooooo  _ pretty! I follow her on Instagram! You never told me you knew her!” 

“You didn’t give me a chance to,” said Hibiya, sighing. Gathering up his courage, he looked at Hiyori. “All I’ve been doing these days is run errands for you. Not saying that you’re annoying or anything! But we haven’t really talked much, you know? I haven’t seen you in a while and all.”

Hiyori stared at him with wide eyes. She stayed silent for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, Hibiya thought his heart was going to burst from the nervousness. She was visibly conflicted, and finally, she shook her head and mumbled something to herself. “Oh,” she said slowly. She lay her back against the sofa and sighed. “It’s not very good for me to do that, huh?”

“I didn’t mean to blame you! I was just—”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” She ran a hand through her hair and paused before continuing. “I’ve been like this for a big portion of my life; it’s hard to change. Of course, I know that’s not an excuse. But before I knew it, I was used to being bossy and asking people to do things.” Hiyori let out a sad chuckle. 

Hibiya bit his lip as he stared at her. He didn’t expect her to tell him any of this, and he had never seen this calmer, quieter side of her before. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“But you should!” she said. “I’m...sorry for how I treated you.”

“It’s okay,” said Hibiya, his heartbeat speeding up in his chest. “I’ve been meaning to ask this, but… Are we friends?”

Hiyori pouted slightly. “Don’t make me say it out loud,” she said, embarrassed. “Yes. We’re friends.”

Hibiya burst into laughter. He couldn’t stop laughing even when Hiyori punched him in the arm bashfully, and he couldn’t stop smiling until he left the house. Standing at the closed door, he closed his eyes and let out a huge sigh of relief. 

“I’m so glad I met you, Hiyori.”

* * *

After that, Hibiya was no longer tasked with running errands. He would still visit the Tateyama household when Hiyori asked him to, but now, they ate snacks together and talked about the various things that happened to them in the year they spent apart from each other. Hiyori told him about the city she lived in and various stories of her friends, and Hibiya did the same. 

He was a little hesitant when telling her about the Blindfold Gang; what if she no longer wanted to associate herself with him once learning that he was labeled as a delinquent? But there was no need for such worries; Hiyori was cool about it and seemed decently interested in his stories, although she did ask about Konoha and Momo fairly often. 

He didn’t have the courage to ask her about her thoughts on Konoha. It was fairly obvious that she found him attractive, and Hibiya was scared to hear more. Although she had only talked to him once coming back from the train station, Hiyori seemed head over heels for Konoha, and Hibiya would be lying if he said that it didn’t bother him. 

The sudden sound of the doorbell interrupted his thoughts. Momo stood up and opened the door, and immediately, everyone at the base heard a deafening shriek.

“Oh my god, it’s Momo Kisaragi!”

Hibiya could recognize that voice anywhere. It belonged to none other than Hiyori Asahina, and he immediately got out of his seat and approached the doorway.

“You must be Hiyori-chan, then,” said Momo, laughing. Hibiya had explained what had happened between him and Hiyori to her, and the two had apologized to each other for the fight earlier. 

Hiyori nodded furiously. “Yes! I’m Hiyori Asahina; nice to meet you! Oh my god, you’re even prettier in person! I’ve followed you on Instagram for a while now and your pictures are  _ so _ cute!”

“Aw, thanks!” said Momo, smiling brightly. “You’re super cute too! I’ll follow you back right away. So, why are you here today?”

“I’m looking for Konoha-san!” Hiyori tilted her head to the side to look into the apartment. “Is he at home?”

“Oh,” said Momo, surprised. “Yeah. Konoha-san!” 

Lazily, Konoha walked from the kitchen to the door. On the living room couch, Ene looked up ever so slightly before turning back to her game console. 

“Hi, Konoha-san!” said Hiyori excitedly. “I was wondering if you’d want to get ice cream together! I saw a commercial for this new ice cream shop that’s not too far from here!”

“Sure!” Konoha’s eyes lit up at the mention of food. “Right now?”

“Yeah! If you’re not busy, that is.”

“Let’s go then!”

After saying goodbye to everyone else, the two of them left the apartment. Hibiya sighed and walked back to his spot on the couch. 

“What’s with her and Konoha-san? I didn’t know they were friends,” said Momo, sitting down next to him. 

Hibiya shrugged. “She likes him, I guess.”

Immediately, Momo pinched him on the arm, causing him to let out a yelp of pain. Her eyes darted toward Ene, who just clearly messed up on her game on the couch next to theirs. Hibiya scrunched up his face awkwardly; usually, Ene would be wearing headphones and too absorbed in her game to listen in, but today, her headphones were nowhere in sight. He completely forgot about her being there, and he realized that he clearly shouldn’t have said that. 

“Fuck,” Ene cursed at the game console. Looking up, she realized that the two of them were both staring at her. “What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?”

“Ene-chan, Konoha-san just went out to get ice cream with Hiyori-chan,” said Momo cautiously.

Ene raised an eyebrow. “I am aware.”

“You’re not gonna stop them?”

“Why would I?” Ene put down her game console and took out her phone instead. “He can do whatever he wants to do.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Haruka is a grown ass man. He can take care of himself, and I’m not his mother,” said Ene, rolling her eyes. “I’m out. Got a few games to play.” With that, she walked back to her room and shut the door. 

“She’s so bad at being honest,” said Hibiya, raising an eyebrow. 

“That’s been established for a while now,” said Momo, laughing. “Speaking of which, you like Hiyori-chan, right? Don’t try to deny it.”

Hibiya sighed and ignored the heat that rose to his cheeks. “Yeah,” he grumbled. “Go ahead. Make fun of me all you want.”

Momo flipped back her hair and laughed. “Come on, I do it because I care about you! Now, tell me the story. How did you guys meet?”

Hibiya closed his eyes as he went down memory lane. It’s been a long time since he thought about their encounter, and it seemed like something from lifetimes ago. “We grew up in the same village. She’s always been the celebrity; everyone knew her and adored her. I was no exception. I kept trying to get her attention, doing anything and everything that would make her happy. We started talking more in middle school, but by the end of it, we went to different cities for high school.” 

Momo stayed silent for a bit, fidgeting with her fingers. “Do you know why I was mad at you a few days ago for doing all of that for her?”

Hibiya shook his head.

“I’ve wanted attention for as long as I can remember. For my entire life, everyone around me only saw my brother. He was obviously the star student, the perfect child, and I was far from his level. I tried everything I could do to captivate others, anything and everything you can think of. Seeing you do the same for Hiyori-chan’s attention really frustrated me; it was like looking at myself in a mirror, and I hated how pathetic it seemed.”

Hibiya didn’t know what to say. He had no idea that Momo struggled with such thoughts; he didn’t have any siblings, so he never really understood how that would feel like. To him, Momo was always energetic and bright; although he was good friends with her, he never knew the more subdued version of her. 

“I know it’s really hypocritical of me to say this, but you are your own person,” said Momo. “Don’t chase blindly after someone else so much that you lose yourself in the process. They won’t appreciate you more just because you’ve done a good amount for them.”

Hibiya nodded slowly. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

Momo smiled and tousled his hair. “Don’t say sorry to me. I’m gonna go out and get some boba. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

* * *

Hibiya rarely saw Hiyori upset; sure, she would be mad or frustrated, usually at him, but she wouldn’t be  _ sad _ . He awkwardly sat on the couch next to hers and stared at her, wondering why she made him come over immediately. Her eyes had lost some of that energy and edge she was known for, and she was lying lazily across the sofa, heavily unfocused on everything. She would give a little sigh from time to time and roll around to shift positions. 

“I confessed to Konoha-san,” she said finally. 

Hibiya tensed up at her words. “What did he say?” he asked cautiously. 

Hiyori let out a long sigh and smiled sadly. “He rejected me.”

“Oh…” Hibiya didn’t know what to say. He was never the best at comforting people, especially when it was about something that he shouldn’t be happy about. 

“You don’t need to comfort me,” said Hiyori, reading through his inner conflict immediately. “Just listen to what I have to say.”

“Yeah. I’m listening.”

“I never believed in love at first sight. ‘What bullshit,’ I always thought to myself. It was so unrealistic. How could you fall in love with someone you barely even knew? It seemed superficial to me. But when I saw him at the train station that day, I fell in love; at least, that’s what I thought. I thought he was so good-looking and so  _ perfect _ , and I immediately concluded that it was love. I’m not a very laid back person, so I went for it.”

She paused, glancing at Hibiya ever so slightly to see if he was still listening. Hibiya was, of course, and he nodded to reassure her. 

“I told him the day we went to get ice cream,” said Hiyori. “He smiled at me. He said that I was a good girl and he really appreciated it, but he was in love with someone else. He reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me and asked if I was okay with being friends. I said yes, of course, and afterwards, I thought a lot about what happened. 

She looked straight into his eyes, and Hibiya nervously looked back at her, anticipating her next words. 

“I wasn’t in love with him,” she said with a sigh. “I was in love with the idea of him. I didn’t know him well enough to claim that I was in love, and I kept creating these illusions of what I wanted him to be like so that I could stay in love. There’s no way someone can confidently say that they’re in love with a person they barely even know; I understand that now. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but these feelings weren’t supposed to lead to any fruitful results.”

Hibiya was silent. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand what she was saying; no, he understood more than anyone else. These were thoughts he had always pushed away whenever they surfaced, and they were the discoveries he kept denying every single time they appeared.

It was true; he hated to admit it, but he didn’t know Hiyori well enough. He barely knew her likes and dislikes, and admittedly, he hadn’t talked to her much over the last five-or-so years he had known her. He barely knew the real her; how could he proudly proclaim that he was in love? 

Hiyori sighed as she looked away. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For ranting about this. I know it’s not a very fun topic to listen to.”

“It’s okay,” said Hibiya, forcing a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be here for you no matter what.”

“Are you sure?”

“Isn’t that what friends are for?”

* * *

It was time to give up. 

He’d known it for a while, but it never really sank in. He didn’t want to accept such an ending to his first love; there was more, there must be more he could do to get closer to her, but alas, time washed away the intensity of his emotions, and he knew that it was time to move on. 

He still loved her; he loved talking to her, being with her, and watching her smile at anything and everything. But after thinking for a long while, he concluded that it was better for the both of them to simply remain as friends. Hiyori could do better than him, and he would be happy for her no matter who she ends up with. 

He stopped visiting her as frequently in the last few days she was in town. He and her both knew that they needed some time alone to think about some things and sort out their emotions on their own. 

He took a few walks outside. The gang often made fun of him and his “old-man-like” tastes, but he desperately needed some fresh air. Walking along the sidewalk and admiring his surroundings, he couldn’t help but think back to when Hiyori excitedly talked about her admiration towards the city when they were back in their countryside town. It was because of her that he decided to work towards attending high school in the city, but they ended up going to separate places. Perhaps it was fate’s work, telling him that it simply wasn’t meant to be. 

He planned on walking around aimlessly, but before he knew it, his feet had carried him to the Tateyama household, where Hiyori was staying. Awkwardly, he stared at the building for a while before shaking his head and turning the opposite direction. 

It was funny; when he was running after her, he never really looked back on the times he spent with her. But now that he was standing at the end of his journey, he couldn’t stop reminiscing about the memories and little moments he fell in love.

He remembered how he timidly introduced himself to her years ago, only to get a cold “Oh. Cool,” in return. He remembered how he sulked when rumors regarding “Hiyori Asahina’s first boyfriend” started to circle around town and how he brightened when Hiyori herself disproved it to everyone. He remembered how much he panicked when Hiyori smirked at the sight of him with a girl who was rumored to be his girlfriend. He remembered how he memorized her school schedule and tried to create “fateful encounters.” He remembered…

“I kinda hate summer,” she had said to him a year ago. The two of them had sat in the playground in their home town before they were forced to part ways. The sun’s rays beat down on them, and Hiyori bore a frustrated expression as she swung back and forth on the swing set. It was a bold thing to say at the time, as their town was known to be a tourist attraction during the summertime. But then again, when wasn’t she a bold and daring girl?

He chuckled at those memories, bittersweet but an important part of his teenage years. There were so many that he didn’t even know existed, and he smiled to himself as he bit his lip and tried not to cry. He spent his entire life trying to be more mature than his age; Hiyori seemed to dislike immaturity, and he was always teased as the youngest member of the gang. Was it okay for him to let loose, just a little bit?

He looked toward the next sidewalk in front of him and saw a familiar figure. It was her. She tied her hair in low pigtails, the same hairstyle of hers in his memory. Involuntarily, his heart skipped a beat as he watched her play with a stray black cat. She smiled softly at it as she petted its head and stroked its fur. 

He was hesitant on approaching her; that would defeat the purpose of giving up, he thought to himself quietly. So he only stood and smiled faintly from afar. The cat wriggled out of her embrace just as she picked it up and darted towards the streets. She pouted and protested, chasing after it. 

Lights flashed. Horns sounded. He yelled. She looked up. Everything happened too quickly, and before he knew it, he was running towards her as fast as he could. He wished he had Konoha’s strength and speed; but he was Hibiya, just Hibiya, and if there was one thing he had never given up trying to do, it was to see her smile. 

She didn’t see the traffic light flash a bright, glaring red, but he did. She didn’t see the truck that sped down the road in her direction, but he did. He was always chasing after her, but this was the last time. 

“HIYORI!”

He caught a glance of her astonished eyes before he jumped into the street and pushed her aside. Before everything went black, he scoffed at the blazing heat, muttering a quiet “serves you right” under his breath. 

If he had run faster, stretched his arm further, would he have been able to reach her?

* * *

The first thing he heard was her quiet sobbing. 

He struggled a bit to sit up. He didn’t feel too much pain, and for as much as he could see, he only had a few scrapes and cuts along his arms. His head spun as he glanced at his surroundings, and as he recalled what had happened, he let out a huge sigh of a relief. 

He was alive, and so was she. That was all that mattered to him, and as he looked at her, he couldn’t help but smile. She was sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed he was lying in, and her messy hair was let out of her pigtails. She looked up at the sound of him waking up, and she immediately started crying again.

“What,” she said between sniffles. “The  _ fuck _ is wrong with you?”

Hibiya burst into laughter. “What’s wrong?”

“‘What’s wrong?’ You fucking tell me what’s wrong! You fucking idiot! You could have died! Why did you do that?”

“Come on, don’t cry.” With a smile, he quietly wiped away tears from her face. “I hate it when you cry.”

“You idiot,” she said, hiccuping. “Thank god you’re safe. The doctor said that it’s practically a miracle. You can be discharged as soon as this afternoon.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” said Hibiya, laughing. “I wouldn’t want to lose a limb or anything.”

“You didn’t have to do that for me. You didn’t have to do anything for me.”

“I did it because I wanted to.” Hibiya stared at the girl he was in love with for years; she was in front of him, crying for him. “If you reverse time and go back to that moment, I’d do it for you again, without a doubt.”

“I’d do it for you, too.”

Hibiya stared at her with wide eyes. Never did he ever expect her to say something like this to him. He felt his heart skip a beat, and as his cheeks reddened, he smiled at her. “That’s… Wow. I didn’t expect that.”

Hiyori bit her lip as she averted her gaze. “I know I was never very nice to you. I know I never acted like it, but you’re the realest friend I have, and I’ve always thought of you as a friend. So please, don’t do something like that again. I don’t want to lose you.”

He couldn’t hold back his laughter, so he laughed, and as Hiyori’s face grew red with embarrassment and protested against him, he smiled as he stared at the girl in front of him.

The hundredth time he fell in love with her was also his last, and he thanked her for painting his teenage years a beautiful color.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "first love," "unrequited love," "love at first sight," "hibihiyo"
> 
> for the years i've been a fan of kagepro, i've never liked hiyori. i thought she was kind of a brat (bro who tf does she think she is??) and that she had a terrible attitude, so i struggled quite a lot when i started to write this chapter. but then i sat down and analyzed her character a little more and i have to say, i think i understand her a little more now than before.
> 
> in my portrayal of her for this chapter, she has always known about hibiya's crush on her, but unlike everyone else she rejected, she actually wanted to stay friends with him, and since he never confessed to her, she can't really assume anything and reject him. so she decided to be mean to him, mean enough so that he would give up. but he never gave up, so she had to be even meaner so that he could start to dislike her even, since she started to think that she wasn't good enough for someone like him who cared about her so much unconditionally. but when hibiya brought up how she kinda just treated him as a tool, she realized how wrong she was and quickly corrected her mistakes. she also told him her thoughts about her feelings towards konoha because she saw how her situation mirrored his, and she wanted him to get over her so they could simply be good friends. 
> 
> i wanted to focus on the hardships of unrequited love and the bittersweetness of first love in this chapter. personally, i do not believe in love at first sight, so i definitely tried to portray how unrealistic it is with hiyori's crush on konoha. i definitely do not think it's possible to be truly in love with someone you barely know, and when you start thinking you're in love with someone you don't know well, you'll create a perfect image of them in your mind to fit your ideals, when in reality, they're not actually like that, so you're not actually in love with them.


	4. Headphone Actor

She’d always been running. 

Never slowing, never stopping, as if the world was falling apart behind her and she had to escape before it was too late. She pushed on forward as she ignored everyone around her, blocking out her surroundings with the thick leather padding of her headphones. Every moment seemed like a race, fighting against time, against harsh reality, perhaps even god. 

It was as if a voice kept calling out to her, urging her to keep looking ahead. It counted down every second of her life that mockingly ticked away, and even as she grew tired, grew weary, it never gave her any opportunity to let loose. 

“You still want to live, right?” 

The words echoed throughout her mind as she picked up her speed again, running, running, running… Over time, she ran from this side of the playground to that, from one end of the school campus to the other. She joined track in high school, and she soon became a varsity athlete. Facing the frequent praise she got from her teammates, how could she tell them the truth? That she took “running away from your problems” very literally? 

It wasn’t a good habit; she knew it, and so did the voice in her head. “I’m sorry,” it always said to her when things got rough. But she had become so accustomed to running, running away, that there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. Her world became a blur, and eventually, she lost track of what she was chasing after. 

But she kept running.

* * *

“Don’t fucking let her run away!”

A chorus of angry yells and the clashing of weapons filled the air as Actor’s blood ran cold. Without any second thoughts, she turned around immediately and bolted out of the parking lot. The group of six guys followed her, tossing insults and curses left and right. She didn’t dare to look behind her at how quickly they caught up to her, because those guys carried wooden swords and baseball bats with sharp nails sticking out of them, for fuck’s sake, and she did  _ not _ want to get hit in the face with that.

_ Fuck, fuck, FUCK, _ she thought to herself as she willed her legs to carry her forward further, quicker. She had to get out of here before she got seriously hurt; for god’s sake, when she took up this job, she definitely underestimated how dangerous it would be. 

Actor was always pretty good at running, but the guys knew the area a little better than she did, and soon enough she was backed into a corner, her red eyes wide with terror as they stared her down menacingly. 

“You think you can run away?” said one of them, sneering. “Today’s the day you pay for everything you’ve done, Headphone Actor.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Actor, covering up her trembling with a tone laced with faux confidence. “You must have the wrong person.”

The group laughed. “You’re funny. Can’t even remember the faces of your clients? What a failed underground information broker you are.”

“I prefer the title ‘informant.’”

“I don’t give a shit about your title! You sold us false information two weeks ago on the Blindfold Gang! They weren’t at the plaza yesterday afternoon. We waited for hours for our surprise attack, but they weren’t even there!”

Actor raised an eyebrow. “How am I supposed to know if they suddenly changed their plans? They were accurate at the time of our deal. That’s not false information.”

“Shut up! You better brace yourself, ‘cause these nails are gonna hurt when your pretty face takes a hit.”

Actor squeezed her eyes shut as she mentally prepared herself for the pain. She’d been hit in the face with something of the sort once before, and it wasn’t a fun time. In the five months she had started her business, she’d been chased down twenty times, caught ten times, and injured six times. This would be the seventh time she’d go knocking on the gang’s door, asking for some first aid; she was surprised that her face hasn’t scarred yet. 

The sharp sensation of pain that she anticipated, however, didn’t come; instead, she heard a loud shriek and the sound of bones cracking before her. She opened her eyes and saw that the guy who held the dangerous-looking bat was now sprawled on the floor, his nose bashed in quite uglily. Before she could process what had happened, the other guys suffered the same fate, and the sight of blood and flesh from their terrible wounds made her feel nauseous. 

Her attackers fled the scene immediately, shrieking as they ran as fast as their injured bodies allowed them to. Actor glanced up nervously, knowing that there was only one person in the entire city who could have defeated a group of delinquents this quickly. 

“You got yourself into another mess? Save me the trouble of saving you every time and stay away from these people, would you?”

“I didn’t ask,” mumbled Actor, averting her gaze. 

“Wow, great attitude. Is this what you have to say to someone who saved you from bruising your face? Again?”

“Thanks,” said Actor grudgingly. “Kuroha.”

The black-haired teen smirked at her response. To this day, Actor didn’t know how she started talking to the most feared delinquent in the city. She had to admit, Kuroha Kokonose was pretty terrifying at first glance; with his piercing gold eyes and sinister aura, he was more like a member of the mafia than an average high schooler. He was strong, stronger than anyone she had ever met before; his strength was unparalleled, and he could seriously injure someone with a single punch. 

The two of them met a few months ago, at the beginning of her career. At first, she didn’t see anything wrong with her client’s request; she happily provided the information that she was asked to get and moved on to her next clients. But what she didn’t expect was getting threatened by Kuroha himself, who showed up at her apartment and told her to shut up about him towards her clients  _ or else _ . She expected to never see him ever again and for sure planned to stay as far away from him as possible. But as fate toyed with them, they continued to get tangled up in each other’s matters, and soon, both of them gave in and managed to tolerate each other’s presences. 

Actor wasn’t quite sure about what she thought of him. On one hand, she knew very well how terrible his reputation was and how much her friends hated him, and he clearly wasn’t exactly a very good influence, either. But in some twisted way, she felt at ease when interacting with him, as if she could finally stop and catch her breath. 

“That’s more like it,” he said. “Guess you can keep that gas mask on your pretty face, now that they’re gone. So, what’d you do this time?”

“Nothing,” said Actor, sighing. “They wanted information on the Blindfold Gang. Just like everyone else. I gave them the info, but the gang changed their plans last minute, so my clients decided to take it out on me instead.”

“So the usual,” said Kuroha lazily. “I love humans. They really are the most interesting creatures you can find.”

“That’s cringey as hell,” said Actor, rolling her eyes. “How did you know I was here? Why did you come?”

“If I said it was a coincidence, would you believe me?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I was just trying to do something nice for my friend,” said Kuroha, his usual smirk plastered across his face. 

“We’re not  _ friends, _ ” said Actor. The word left a bitter taste on her tongue, and she didn’t want to think too much into what exactly she and Kuroha were. 

“Wow, that hurt more than expected,” said Kuroha. He stepped closer toward her, causing Actor to step back until she was pressed against the wall. She felt her face heat up as he rested his palm against the wall next to her ear, their faces centimeters apart. “Actor Enomoto, you really have no mercy towards me. With that much attitude, how come you only sit on the sidelines as an informant?”

Ever since the Blindfold Gang formed a few months ago, Actor also started her own business as an underground information broker, although she preferred the title “informant.” Under the alias Headphone Actor, she gathered information on anything her clients asked for, but she worked mainly for students, especially the middle and high school delinquents that roamed the city. To conceal her identity, she kept a fake gas mask that covered half of her face at all times.

It was simple business for her, and she earned some good money from it, so she was more than content with her job. It also gave her an opportunity to join her friends without having to participate in the gang’s activities. Fighting and aggressiveness was not for her; when it came down to a tough situation, she always preferred running.

“Why are you hurt? You’re only trying to get close to me because you like my sister,” Actor retorted. Seeing the dumbfounded expression on Kuroha’s face, an expression  _ so _ extremely rare for him to show, Actor couldn’t help but giggle inwardly. Although her twin sister Ene hated Kuroha with a passion, Actor could tell that the latter was clearly attracted to the former. She felt a little sorry for Kuroha, but teasing the mighty Kuroha Kokonose of AZAMI was way too much fun. 

“I’ve been telling you over and over again,” said Kuroha, sighing. “You’re misunderstanding. I don’t like your sister. She’s simply an interesting individual to observe.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Actor, biting back a laugh. “You’re interested in her. Very much so.”

“Just like how you’re interested in my brother?”

His words caught her completely off guard, and she choked on her own spit. She stared at him, speechless, as her mind tried to process his words. He did  _ not _ just say that. There was absolutely  _ no way _ he figured it out. She herself already kept running away from the fact; how could he have known? 

Seeing her expression, Kuroha smirked. “That’s right. I know that I’m not the only one who’s in love with the same person as their twin. You’re right; both Konoha and I like Ene. But who are you to say anything about that? You like Konoha. Just like Ene does.”

“You—”

“Oh, Haruka Kokonose, how  _ dreamy _ . Just the  _ perfect _ man to exist. He’s nice, he gets good grades, he’s friendly to everyone. He’s—”

“You can stop now!” Actor was aware that her cheeks were probably redder than ever by now. She could feel the heat rise within her, and oh, how she wanted to run away from the current situation. It was already bad enough being in love with the same person as her sister and knowing that the two of them were meant to be, but having his brother find out about this secret of hers, too? It was more than she could handle. 

“He’s liked by everyone, and the person he loves the most also loves him back.  _ And _ he’s good-looking.”

Actor raised an eyebrow. “Did you really just compliment yourself in the process of complimenting Konoha?”

Kuroha gave her a look. “Shut up, I can do whatever I want. Let’s just never speak of this again; it’s better for the both of us this way, anyways. Otherwise, it’ll end in mutually assured destruction.”

“Wow, using big words, huh, Kokonose-kun?”

“You’re annoying, Enomoto,” said Kuroha, rolling his eyes. “It’s late. I’ll take you home.”

Actor didn’t protest; she had planned to jog home, but it was later than usual and the city wasn’t the safest place for someone like her. She followed Kuroha to his Harley and as she wrapped her arms around his waist on the way back, she closed her eyes as she felt the refreshing breeze on her skin.

She was thankful that the motorcycle helmet hid her face from him; it was moments like these that she didn’t know how she should think of Kuroha. Were they friends? Or were they enemies? She didn’t know. Closing her eyes, she shook away her worries and focused on the noise of the city nightlife around her. Again, she would be running away from her problems.

Because that’s what she’s best at, isn’t it?

* * *

Takane Enomoto. Haruka Kokonose. The two that now went by the names of Ene and Konoha were the two most important people in Actor’s life. One of them was her twin sister, while the other was her first love. Admittedly, it was a pretty gross situation to be in, and Actor never thought that something out of a soap opera would happen to her. 

Takane met him first. The two of them were in the same classes since freshman year, and Actor was surprised at how much the stubborn, headstrong Takane opened up to him, perhaps because of his constant pestering. But it was clear that Takane enjoyed his company and vice versa. Actor transferred to their high school in their junior year, finally reuniting with her sister. Despite being extremely similar to her sister, she would have never expected to fall in love with the same person as her.

Anyone could tell that the two had feelings for each other, but because of Takane’s stubbornness and Haruka’s denseness, the two were caught under the impression that they were dealing with unrequited love. It frustrated Actor immensely, but she decided that the couple needed to handle things their own way and that she was nobody to butt in. After they became Ene and Konoha respectively, Actor had given up on her feelings already.

Almost, that is. She still couldn’t help but feel her heartbeat quicken whenever she was around Konoha, so she avoided him as much as possible. But sometimes, it wasn’t so easy. Konoha, that kind soul, almost thought she hated him because of it, so she had to find a nice balance between hurting herself and hurting everyone else. 

“Oh, Actor! Long time no see!”

She looked up at the sound of that energetic voice. It was always amusing to her how visibly different Kuroha and Konoha were, despite being twins. Upon becoming Konoha, Haruka had dyed his hair a snowy white. His expression was warm and kind, while Kuroha… He was very much the opposite, to say the least. She didn’t see the gang around school too often, as she usually stayed in her classes and hung around her other friends and occasionally Kuroha during lunch and break. But she would make sure to catch up with Ene or the others once in a while, not just for her job. 

“Hey,” said Actor. “Yeah, how’s it going?”

“It’s great!” said Konoha happily. “I would tell you about what we’ve been doing, but you probably already know that. How’s your job going?”

“It’s going,” said Actor, sighing. “Had a bit of a tough time because of your change in plans, though. Got surrounded by some clients and would’ve needed some first aid again if it weren’t for Kuroha.”

“I’m glad you’re getting along with Kuroha well.”

Actor looked at him in surprise. That wasn’t the usual reaction anyone gave her when she talked about Kuroha, but then again, he was his brother, so it made a little more sense. “Well, we’re not really friends. I don’t know how we started talking to each other.” 

“Still. I hope you guys are doing well, though. Kuroha may seem a little… scary, but he’s a really good person and I’m sure he appreciates you a lot, so—”

“Don’t talk about me behind my back, you idiots.”

Actor didn’t know when Kuroha had walked up behind her and started listening in on their conversation. He lazily leaned against the windows in the hallway and stared down at her from his incredible height. 

“Kuro. Long time no see,” said Konoha, ignoring his comment and smiling at him instead.

Kuroha raised an eyebrow at his childhood nickname. “That’s how it should be. You do realize that we’re part of rival gangs, right?”

“Still. I haven’t seen you in a while and I missed you!”

Kuroha rolled his eyes and sighed. “You never learn, do you? Always so naive and carefree. How did someone like you become a delinquent?”

Konoha laughed. “It’s fun,” he said simply. “I gotta go. The gang’s ordering take out for lunch today. See you both around!” 

As soon as Konoha left, Actor turned to Kuroha and gave him a look. “Why can’t you just be nicer to him? He’s your brother. How come you guys are on such bad terms?”

“Why do you care? Oh, right. Anything for  _ dearest _ Haruka.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” said Actor, well aware that her cheeks were growing redder by the second. 

“And what about you? Do you plan to run away from him forever?”

His words pierced through her heart as sharply as a knife would, and as she stared into his golden eyes, she felt as if he saw through her entirety. For a second, she thought she stopped breathing; no words came to her lips, and her throat lost all abilities to make any sound. 

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I haven’t noticed that little habit of yours?”

“I’m not running away,” said Actor finally, biting her lip as she did.

“See? You’re doing it again,” said Kuroha. “You run away from everything you encounter, all your problems and worries. It’s disgusting to watch.”

Actor’s eyes narrowed into a glare as she listened to his words. “What do you know?” she spat at him. “Fuck off.”

Kuroha stared at her for a few seconds before scoffing. Without another word, he walked away, leaving Actor alone to regret her actions, just as usual.

* * *

She was just about to finish up her time in her office and call it a day when a group of scruffy-looking grown-ups marched up to her and slapped a handful of hundred-dollar bills onto her desk.

“A thousand dollars for any useful information on AZAMI’s Kuroha Kokonose,” said the man. 

Actor blinked slowly as she tried to understand what had just happened. She furrowed her brows and stared at the money in front of her, then at the group of angry men. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I can’t give you information on him.”

“Two thousand, then.”

She raised an eyebrow at how money seemed to not be an issue to these men. Although the number was tempting, she made a promise to Kuroha before, and she wasn’t going to be that bitch that goes back on her word just because she was mad at him. “I’m sorry, but he himself has made the request that I do not share any of his information. I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

The man scoffed. “Who cares about what  _ he _ thinks? He’s harmful to society. The world would be much better without him, and he’s out here thinking that his opinion matters in the slightest? He’s just a parasite.”

Actor felt her blood boil at the man’s words. Kuroha wasn’t necessarily the nicest person, but he didn’t deserve hate like  _ this _ . She knew the real him, and she knew that all the times he helped her and was nice to her wasn’t just an act. Deep down, he was a good person; he and her simply never wanted to admit it. 

“That’s not very nice,” said Actor through gritted teeth. She wanted to lash out at the men in front of her, but considering that it was technically business hours and the fact that they would pound her silly, she restrained any of her mean words.

“What, you care about that monster?” The man laughed. “Have you lost your mind? Or have you been manipulated or threatened?”

“I’m simply speaking my mind.”

“Oh, trust me, you’ll think differently when you see the real him.”

“And pardon me, do  _ you _ know the real him?”

The man seemed to be at a loss of words as he stared at her. “Five thousand,” he said finally. “Final offer.”

Actor bit her lip. “I’m sorry.”

The man shrugged. “Your loss,” he said. As the group turned around and walked away, the man paused for a second. “Are you really sure you’re right about who you should trust? Think about it.”

As the door slammed behind them, Actor sank back into her chair and stared at the ceiling. Her office was where she first met Kuroha Kokonose. She remembered their first encounter clearer than ever; she opened the door, expecting to see the delivery man with her takeout, only to be towered over by a scary-looking teenager, who backed her into a corner and against a wall immediately. 

She hated to admit it, but one of the first things she noticed was that he was rather good-looking. But those thoughts were immediately brushed away by complete fear, as his expression was murderous. “Quit being nosy, Headphone Actor,” he had said in a menacing tone. “Unless you want your pretty face to scar.” 

But his threat only fed the fire of curiosity that was ignited within her, and although she did as she was told and never gave out his information to anyone else, she did her share of digging into the rumors surrounding AZAMI and Kuroha Kokonose. The gang was headed by a woman in her twenties, a high school graduate who never attended college. There were twelve members, their most notable member being Kuroha. He was the strongest of them all, so he got into fights frequently. She could’ve gone deeper into his past, but she rested the task aside, assuming she’ll have nothing to do with him in the future.

Oh, how wrong she was. As they got closer, she considered researching him, but something within her told her that researching a ‘friend’ was probably wrong on multiple levels. She could have also asked Konoha about him, but the idea of asking her crush-that-shouldn’t-be-her-crush about his brother just seemed weird. Therefore despite knowing him for a while now, she really didn’t know much about him, about his life, about his past. 

She knew how much her sister hated him. She knew the rumors and the discrimination that circled around him, but she couldn’t bring herself to hate him. She wanted to trust him, but with everyone else around her telling her she shouldn’t, how could she ignore it all and simply follow her heart?

She shook her head. Now was not the time to think about this. She let her hair out of her trademark Headphone Actor pigtails and tied it back into a ponytail. Grabbing her jacket, she left the office and jogged home.

* * *

Actor was only a few blocks away from her apartment before being surrounded by yet another group of dangerous-looking people. She immediately regretted her decision to go for a jog after dinner for the first time in a while that night. After a refreshing 5k, she was just about to head back when she got cornered. 

This time, she didn’t recognize these delinquents. They seemed a little older than high school students, perhaps college sophomores or juniors. They weren’t her clients, and they seemed much more dangerous. There were only four of them, but each of them stared her down so intensely that she felt a cold shiver run down her spine. 

“Let’s chat, shall we?” Their leader smiled at her and gestured to their car that was parked a few feet away. Actor’s heart thumped in her chest as she thought about the possibilities of what she could do. Running was an option, the option she knew best and usually took, but she knew they would be able to catch her. Maybe Kuroha was right; running wasn’t always the best choice. 

So she did as they said. Nobody said a thing during the car ride, and Actor nervously looked at the surroundings that flashed by outside to get an idea of where she was. They took her to an abandoned factory shed and stood around her, making sure she wouldn’t be able to escape. Actor complied, as she saw the glint of a knife in the leader’s pocket. 

“What do you guys want?” she asked finally. 

“Don’t look so scared,” said the leader, laughing. “We’re just a little… curious about your relationship with AZAMI’s Kuroha. You two seem very… friendly.”

“We’re… associates.” Actor took a few seconds to look for the right word to describe her relationship with Kuroha. They just had a small argument the last time they saw each other, after all, so she wasn’t really feeling like calling him her friend. 

“Well.” He circled around Actor, observing her from head to toe. “A word of advice. Don’t get involved with his matters. People like him shouldn’t exist.”

Actor glared at the man in front of her. Who was he to talk about Kuroha like that? To say that he shouldn’t even exist? Words like those plagued her for her entire life, and she knew too well about how it felt to be hated and discriminated against. She did her best to live up to society’s expectations, but no luck. It simply wasn’t enough. She was sure that Kuroha felt the same, and she knew that he deserved to live, happily. 

“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” he said, smiling at her. “Do you really trust him over me? Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’ve gotten into a few messes because of your relationship with him, haven’t you? Doesn’t it disrupt the ordinary life you wish to live? Isn’t he creating problems for you? If even that doesn’t convince you, once you hear about his past, you, too, will leave him. Like you should.” 

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m here to offer you something. A proposal,” said the leader. He paced around her excitedly, a look of insanity clearly showing on his face. “Join us, and you’ll never have to live in fear of Kuroha ever again. We’ll take him down, make sure he’ll never show himself to the public ever again. Deep down, it’s what you want, too, isn’t it?”

Did she want it? Did she want Kuroha to disappear from her life, from the public, from the entire world? Was Kuroha a threat to the ordinary life she wished to live? Did he bring about issues for her, getting her caught in dangerous matters that she didn’t want to handle? Did she hate him, just like everyone else did? 

She always knew the answer deep down, but she kept running away from it. 

“What do you know?” she whispered. 

“What was that?”

Biting her lip in anger, she glared at him. “What do  _ you _ know about him? What do you know about  _ me _ ? Don’t pretend like you know everything about everyone,” she said. Letting out a cold laugh, she looked away. “You disgust me.”

“What, you’re planning to stay with someone like  _ him _ ?”

Actor turned back to the leader, staring at him with an unwavering gaze. It was time to give up that habit of hers, and she was ready to open her eyes to the truth. “He told me not to run away. That’s why I’m going to stand and fight. I won’t leave him, because I believe in him.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about.”

The familiar voice was cool, laidback, with a tinge of pride. Kuroha lazily walked into the room, hands in pockets with a grin on his face. The other three members looked at each other, dumbfounded, but the leader let out a laugh as Kuroha approached them. 

“So you came,” said the leader, the smile on his face poisoned by pure hatred. 

“Well, clearly, judging by the fact that I’m standing here talking to you,” said Kuroha. He seemed unfazed by the situation and the group before him. “What kind of dirty tricks are you going to play this time?”

As soon as Kuroha finished his sentence, the leader whipped out the blade that had been sitting in his pocket. With one hand, he grabbed Actor hostage, and with the other, he held the knife centimeters away from her neck. “Try taking another step forward, and I’ll slit your little friend’s neck.”

Kuroha, however, didn’t seem surprised in the slightest. “I guess we’ll talk from there, then.” He instead turned to look at Actor, who was doing her best to stop herself from trembling or sinking to the floor, at this point. “Am I your friend?”

“Don’t make me say it out loud,” said Actor, biting her lip as she tore her eyes away from the knife. “You already know the answer.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yeah.”

Kuroha stared into Actor’s eyes, and as she stared back, she could see something else within his gaze, a hidden message of apology that only she would understand. For the first time, it was as if she saw him without his guard up, as if he was revealing his true emotions, all things Kuroha Kokonose was known for not doing.

A few seconds later, he closed his eyes and let out a breath he had been holding in. His expression immediately distorted into one of madness as his laughter resounded throughout the room. “Ridiculous!” he yelled. “You should’ve known better, idiot. Why would you trust someone like me? Are you asking for trouble, or are you just dumb?”

So that was his plan. Suddenly, his previous questions all made sense. He wanted her to believe him, to trust him, so that his hurtful words wouldn’t be taken seriously. If that’s what he was getting at, then she was more than happy to play along. Feigning surprise and hurt, she bit her lip and brought her voice down to a whisper: “You… How could you say something like that?”

“That’s right,” said the leader, sneering. “See, he’s showing his true colors to you now. Do you understand now? You’ve been deceived by him. Now, just join us and—”

“How interesting. Tell me more, would you?”

A cool, unfamiliar feminine voice followed the cocking of a gun, and Actor could feel the arm around her neck falter. She looked at Kuroha, who was now smiling confidently and staring mockingly at the leader who held her hostage. 

“You’re… from AZAMI…”

“I was getting tired of waiting,” said Kuroha as he walked towards them. He smirked at his companion. “Might want to fix your procrastination habits, Yaki.”

“You’re  _ so _ funny, Saeru.” The sarcasm was evident in her voice. Without waiting for a response from Kuroha, she turned to address the delinquents instead. “Try taking another step forward, and I’ll blow out your little friend’s brains. Sound familiar?”

“When did you—”

“Irrelevant. Now, step away from the girl and let her go.”

Grudgingly, the leader let go of Actor, whose legs immediately gave way as she sank to the ground. She didn’t know how much she was shaking until she tried to stand up but continuously failed. Kuroha immediately ran over to her and lent her a hand.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly as he helped her up. 

Actor nodded in response, allowing him to put his arm around her to keep her steady. 

“Boss, you told us that we would only have to deal with one ordinary girl and maybe another delinquent!” said one of the delinquents, panicking as the others nodded in agreement. “You didn’t say  _ two AZAMI members _ ! And one of them’s  _ Kuroha _ !”

“Shut up!” yelled the leader. He glared at his subordinates. “It’s your fault that she sneaked up on us! Say another word, and I’ll pull out your tongues.”

“I don’t think you have the time or opportunity for that,” said Yaki, laughing. “If you guys leave, you won’t suffer the same fate as he will.”

The three delinquents nodded eagerly as they fled the scene, leaving their leader cursing after them. Yaki dropped the gun that she held to the leader’s head, and the leader dropped to his knees, trembling just as Actor was. 

“Now,” said Yaki, smiling. “How should we punish him?”

Kuroha turned to Actor. “What do you think?”

The leader looked up immediately. “Please. Have mercy. I’ll do anything!” He turned to look at Actor, and the desperateness in his eyes made her sick. “You’re a nice girl, aren’t you? Beautiful. Kind. Caring. Please…”

Actor ignored his words and instead turned to Kuroha. “Make sure that he can never bother us ever again.”

Kuroha smirked. “Roger that.”

Cracking his knuckles, he approached the leader with Yaki, who flipped her brown hair over her shoulder, the same devilish smile on her face. Normally, Actor would look away from their actions that followed, but this time, she didn’t run away. She stared straight into the eyes of the leader as he faced the wrath of AZAMI, and she only looked away when the job was finished.

Once they were finished, Kuroha walked back towards her immediately. He stared at her for a moment, his gaze filled with a mixture of complex emotions she couldn’t identify. He put a hand on her head and smoothed out her black hair that had become tangled and messy during the kidnapping. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, a little nervous and embarrassed. 

He only shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “I’m glad you picked up the hint.”

“Of course I did,” said Actor, looking away as her cheeks reddened. “It was obvious.”

He smirked. “To you, and to you only.”

A few feet away, Yaki let out a hum of amusement, prompting the two to look at her. “Interesting,” she said, raising her eyebrow and smiling. 

Kuroha sighed. “Thanks, Yaki. I owe you one.”

“I know you do,” said Yaki calmly. “My, my, the great Kuroha Kokonose, owing someone a favor? This is unheard of! I better use this to my advantage.”

“Of course you would,” said Kuroha, rolling his eyes. “Come on, Actor. Let’s go.”

Sensing Actor’s concerned gaze directed towards her, Yaki laughed. “Have fun! I’ll head back soon, too. Don’t worry.”

Actor waved goodbye hastily as Kuroha pulled her away towards the exit. His Harley was parked right outside, and he tossed her a spare helmet. 

“Let’s take a detour before I take you home,” he said. “There’s something I want to show you.”

Actor nodded, and as the city lights flashed by on their way back, she took a deep breath. Something about life was different; it was refreshing, a little easier for her to breathe. She wasn’t sure if it was just an illusion, but she felt more at ease than she ever had. Leaning her face against his back, she admired the city nightlife that flashed by in her surroundings. They approached a building she didn’t recognize, but she didn’t protest as Kuroha led the way inside. They took the elevator to the top floor and walked up another flight of stairs that led to the rooftop. 

The scenery that met her eyes was breathtaking. In the distance, she saw all the multicolored lights of the city, each one shining with a vibrance that was unparalleled. The stars that were usually hidden by the smog also revealed themselves, illuminating the night sky with their shine. At this height, she could see the city she grew to love beneath her, stretching on for miles, and in that moment, nothing was more magical than this. 

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Kuroha’s voice brought her back to reality. He appeared next to her with two bottles of Ramune and handed one to her as he sat down near the edge. “I found this place in middle school. It’s my secret base of some sort; you’re the first person to know about this place.”

“It’s great,” said Actor, taking a sip of the refreshing beverage as she admired the landscape in front of her. “Never knew that the city was so beautiful until now.”

Kuroha stared at her for a second before putting down his Ramune. “How come you trust me? I know there’s been many people fanning the fires around you recently.”

“I don’t know,” Actor admitted. “I definitely didn’t want anything to do with you at first, since I’ve heard many of the rumors about you. But somehow we started getting closer, and I was really torn about what I wanted to do, so I ran away from it, like always. But I knew deep down that being with you made me feel like… well, myself. Even though it feels like I don’t know anything about you at times, I wanted to trust the real Kuroha I knew, the one nobody else knew.”

“Then ask away,” said Kuroha. “What do you want to know?”

Actor felt her face heat up at his intent gaze. “Well… What do you like about Ene?”

Kuroha shrugged. “She’s pretty.”

“That’s it?”

“I like her straightforwardness. She doesn’t hold back her harsh words and speaks her mind loud and proud. For the most part.” He took a sip of his drink before continuing. “I first knew her as my brother’s best friend. Didn’t think much about her. But when I saw how she treated me with harshness and was a different person in front of my brother… It made me want to win her over.”

“I can see that,” said Actor, thinking about all the times she had seen her sister with Konoha. 

“I actually confessed to her before.”

“You  _ what _ ?”

“It was last year, I think,” said Kuroha with a wistful smile on his face. “She thought it was a joke. Or some sort of prank. Almost punched me in the face for it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” said Kuroha. “It’s not a problem anymore. But that was probably why I hated seeing you run away from all your problems. I’m more of a ‘attack your problems head on’ type of person, you know, so it was frustrating to watch. If you don’t try, you’ll never know if you’ll succeed or not. For anything.”

“You’re right,” said Actor, sighing. “I did well in abandoning that habit today though, didn’t I?”

“Definitely made me proud there,” said Kuroha, laughing. “But I  _ was _ half serious about what I said. Why would you trust someone like me? You know the rumors and the trouble that follow me. I don’t want to get you involved. So you don’t get hurt.”

“I create enough trouble for you anyways. You’ve helped me a lot with my job. Besides, we’re supposed to get involved in each other’s matters. Because we’re friends.”

Kuroha looked surprised. “Friends, huh?” he murmured. “Never got that before.”

“What do you mean? You  _ do  _ have friends.”

“The closest people were probably the other AZAMI members. We’re not really friends. Not every group functions like the Blindfold Gang.”

“What about the girl that came with you? Yaki?”

“Oh, her?” Kuroha shook his half-empty bottle of Ramune before continuing. “She’s the closest I have to a friend from the gang, I guess. We talk occasionally, but not too much. And her real name’s Ayane. We go by codenames of some sort created by our leader.”

“So yours is… Saeru?” Actor asked, remembering what Yaki had called Kuroha. 

He nodded. “I don’t like it very much, so I don’t really use it. Sounds like a girl’s name.”

“How did you join them?”

“Been a fighter since I was young. Unlike Haruka back then, I wasn’t a good kid. Leader and I go way back, so it was almost automatic that I joined when she started the gang.”

“I considered joining the Blindfold Gang back when it was just created,” said Actor. “But in the end, I decided not to. I’m not the best at fighting, since I’ve always been running away instead. I’m pretty happy with my job right now, anyways.”

“Don’t worry. If anyone else tries to hurt you because of your job, I’ll be there to help you.”

“For real?”

Kuroha smiled as he held up his drink. “Isn’t that what friends are for?”

Actor laughed. For the first time, she felt as if she saw a little deeper into Kuroha’s heart, and as the sound of the bottles clinking echoed throughout the air, she smiled at the thought of this unconventional friendship. 

“Cheers. To our friendship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "(unconventional) friendship," "running away," "kuroact"
> 
> damn, i enjoyed writing this chapter (as u can see, since this chapter is longer than usual). kuroha's and actor's character have been altered to fit this AU; i gave kuroha's character a 'ikuto tsukiyomi (shugo chara) + takumi usui (kaichou wa maid-sama)' vibe and i loooooooove. as for actor, her job of an underground information broker is inspired by izaya orihara (durarara). personally, i just loved the bad bitch vibes kuroha gave off. i'm such a fan. also, "yaki" is taken from "me wo yakitsukeru," or the snake of retaining eyes. i gave her the name of "ayane" because it's close to "ayano," since that's who she looks like in canon. "saeru" is also taken from "me wo saeru," or the snake of clearing eyes. this chapter also gave more focus on the delinquent aspect of this AU, since the past chapters have been more lighthearted and focused on the high school aspect instead. 
> 
> just for clarification, actor is the twin sister of takane enomoto in this story. i originally decided to include her a few years ago because i really wanted to write kuroact. since the song 'headphone actor' in canon is literally just takane running for 3:45, i gave actor the trait of always running away from her problems, because it's definitely a thing many people do and struggle with. although "running away is shameful, but it's useful," i don't think it's a good thing to do and it definitely brings about problems, so i tried to show that. 
> 
> actor also struggles with inner conflict about whether she should accept kuroha as her friend or not. everyone else hates him and sees this as an unconventional friendship, and she doesn't know if she should listen to everyone else or follow her heart. but she overcomes this by no longer running away and making a decision. i wanted to show that even though a friendship may seem unconventional to others, that doesn't mean it's wrong and as long as the people in the friendship are happy, then others' opinions do not matter.


	5. Konoha's State of the World

“You probably won’t live past sixteen.”

What hurt him the most was not the contents of his father’s words, but the nonchalant tone his father used when answering the question. But then again, what did he expect? His father was a straightforward person, never the one to tell white lies in consideration of his feelings. The answer wasn't that much of a surprise, either; he himself expected just as much, give or take a few from the exact number of years he had left to live. He was a timed bomb, the seconds left on his clock ticking away ruthlessly, relentlessly. He'd live in fear, anxiously anticipating the inevitable, until one day, he'll explode, and it'll scar the people dear to him; he'd been dreading that sort of ending for years now.

Ever since his childhood, he had been surrounded by white. The walls around him held not a speck of dust, and the blinds that shut him away from the outside world held no color. He oftentimes stared into the white ceiling above him and when he had enough, he would bring the white blankets over his head and drift off to sleep, ignoring the words of the doctors in white robes. His world was monochrome, and he yearned for some color.

Perhaps that was why he started drawing, to fulfill his unrealistic desires of living to the fullest in the outside world. He captured his daydreams and nightmares onto the white pages of his sketchbook, doing everything he could to experience _living_ to the best of his abilities. But he knew that time was slowly ticking away, and all he could do was pray for a miracle.

Maybe god really answered to his prayers; his conditions improved so much that he was allowed to attend high school full time. He even joined a gang of delinquents. He spent his time around his best friends and good food; what more could he ask for? Life was like a daydream, filled with everything he ever wanted.

And the price he had to pay? Waking up from it.

* * *

“Kuro! Let’s stop fighting. Please?”

His brother let out a cold laugh as he took another step forward, swinging at Konoha’s face with all his might. “You really think _that’s_ gonna work?” said Kuroha, sneering. 

Konoha took a step back just in time to dodge the attack. “Come on, we’re brothers. We shouldn’t have to fight like this.”

“You’re so naive,” Kuroha hissed. “It’s disgusting to watch.”

Konoha was well aware of that, but was it wrong to not want to fight your own twin brother? The two were in rival gangs, but to Konoha, Kuroha was still his brother. He knew that his friends had a natural dislike for Kuroha (after all, there _were_ some things Kuroha definitely shouldn’t have done in the past), and there wasn’t anything he could do to lessen the rivalry. 

The two gangs met coincidentally on the streets after school, full members and all, which was a rare occasion, considering how AZAMI’s members were more like lone wolves than a tight family. It didn’t take long for casual taunts to turn into punches and kicks, and soon, the gangs started fighting. As usual, Kuroha made it his mission to target Konoha, and Konoha had no choice but to play along. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” said Konoha as he blocked another of Kuroha’s punches with his forearms. 

Kuroha scoffed. “I don’t think you have to worry about that,” he said. “Nobody has ever seriously injured me before. My name isn’t feared for nothing. Come on, take a punch or two at me. You always stick to defense, and it’s insulting.”

“When did you become like this? You’re like a whole different person now.”

“I’ve always been like this,” sneered Kuroha. “This is the real me.”

“This isn’t you,” Konoha insisted. “We were close back then. We were friends. How did things end up like this?”

“Things are different now. There’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because you were always better,” said Kuroha, his voice laced with pain. “I knew it. Our parents knew it. Everyone around us knew it. The only person who lived on unknowingly like an idiot was you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Shut up, you know it’s true. Isn’t it time for you to wake up to reality?”

Konoha’s vision began to blur, and he barely dodged Kuroha’s next attack. A fire burned within his chest, igniting his lungs and forcing the remaining oxygen out of his windpipe. He bit his lip and blocked Kuroha’s punch, stumbling backward as he did.

“Oh? What, too much of a shock to you?” Kuroha taunted. “Too weak to continue? Guess I’m the better one, after all.”

But Konoha was in no state to be affected by his words. He had to focus all of his attention on breathing in an attempt not to pass out. He immediately knew what the familiar feeling was, but he couldn’t accept it. There was no way it would be _that_ ; he was supposed to be all healed and suitable for a normal life. The world around him spun, and the pain overwhelmed him. 

Sensing this opportunity, Kuroha swung at Konoha’s shoulder. Frankly, Konoha felt no pain from the blow; the pain in his chest was too immense that it paralyzed him completely, and as he gasped for air, his consciousness left him, and he sank to the ground.

* * *

He woke up to the sight of a white ceiling, a sight more familiar than anything else. Slowly, he managed to sit up and examine his surroundings. The sharp pain in his chest had ebbed away, retreating to a lesser intensity, but still present. He took a deep breath and leaned back against the headboard. It was the hospital, again. And he hated it. 

“It happened again, didn’t it…” he murmured to himself. 

“It sure did.”

A cold voice echoed throughout the room with a bone-chilling calmness and emotionlessness. Konoha would recognize that voice anywhere, and he looked up, shocked at its presence.

“Father… You’re here.”

“Do you think I had a choice?” His father stood against the wall, and as he observed Konoha, he sighed. “The hospital called me up during a meeting. I had to come and take care of your insurance and bills.”

Konoha grip on the blanket tightened. “I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you.”

Again, his father sighed. “It can’t be helped,” he said, looking out the window.

Konoha hated that sigh. It seemed as if with that one exhale, his father let all his disappointment and annoyance towards his son be known to the world. Ever since Konoha was young, his father would sigh every time he was sent to the hospital or even remotely tried actually _living_ , shaking his head at the ridiculousness of Konoha’s wish to be just a normal boy. 

“So… What did the doctors say?” asked Konoha, closing his eyes and expecting the worst.

“It’s just your usual problem, but there’s only one solution for you right now,” said his father. “If you want to keep living you’d have to get surgery, but it’s risky and if it doesn’t go well, you’ll die. But if you don’t take it, you’re only going to have a few years left, and there’s nothing we can do for you at that point.”

There it was again. His father spoke to him calmly and emotionlessly, as if his son’s life or death wouldn’t affect him at all. Konoha could only smile to himself painfully; in the years Konoha hadn’t seen him, his father had never changed, and Konoha would never see him change. 

“I see,” said Konoha. At this point, he wasn’t even surprised about news like this. He was just waking up from his daydream, after all; _this_ was his reality. “Then I guess I’d have to take that risk, wouldn’t I?”

“If you live, you need to quit that rowdy group of rebellious teenagers of yours.”

Eyes wide, Konoha stared at his father, wishing, praying that he had heard him wrong. “What?”

“You heard me,” said his father, still no sign of emotion in his voice. “You need to stop embarrassing yourself and the Kokonose name. That ‘Blindfold Gang’ nonsense needs to be put to an end. I don’t understand why you would surround yourself with people like _that._ They’re an embarrassment to society; do you want to be associated with that? Plus, think about your own health. Do you think you can continue to live like that? You saw what happened today.”

“But—”

“Haruka.” His father’s stern voice uttered Konoha’s real name, and immediately, Konoha felt powerless against the adult who dictated his life. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Shut up, old man.”

A voice identical to Konoha’s uttered these words with a tone of distaste that Konoha would never use. Konoha found himself staring at a face identical to his, but oh, so different at the same time. 

“Kuroha,” said his father, sighing. “Don’t speak to your elders like that.”

Kuroha scoffed. “I’m not going to show respect for anyone who doesn’t show respect for me, and definitely not to someone like _you_.”

“Is that any way to address your father?”

“Oh, I thought you said I’m not you son, _Father_ ,” said Kuroha, sarcasm dripping from his words. “I’m sorry, but you’re the one being ridiculous. Who do you think you are to force your stupid ideals on us? I’m tired of your bullshit.”

His father checked his watch and sighed once again. “This is a waste of time. I’m heading back to my office. Haruka, think about what I said. The doctors will come check up on you in a bit.” Without another word, he left the hospital room, leaving the two brothers to stare at each other.

Konoha awkwardly looked at his brother, whose eyes followed their father with a gaze of disgust. The last time he saw Kuroha, they were fighting in the streets as part of rival gangs. He could barely trace back to the last time they had a proper conversation — it felt like an eternity ago that the two would enjoy spending time together like brothers instead of the current situation, where one harbored strong feelings of hate towards the other. Konoha never hated his brother, even when he walked out of the Kokonose family a few years ago, wanting nothing to do with them ever again. He was surprised that Kuroha even showed up and managed to breathe the same air as their father without going insane. 

“Are you going to die?” asked Kuroha after a moment of awkward silence. 

“That’s… straightforward. But I didn’t expect anything less of you,” said Konoha, laughing. “I hope not, obviously. I’ll have to talk to the doctors later to find out the specifics.

“The old man must hope that I was in this position instead,” said Kuroha quietly.

“Why?”

“Are you stupid?” Kuroha’s eyebrows were arched in disbelief. “You heard him five years ago. According to him, I’m the son that’s ruining the family name by embarrassing all of us.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean that.”

“As always, you’re so naive,” said Kuroha, rolling his eyes.

“I guess so, but in the best case scenario, neither of us dies,” said Konoha, laughing. “Sorry. Is that disappointing?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Kuroha. “I don’t like you, but I’m not heartless to the point that I wish death on you.”

“That’s good to hear.” 

“What, did you actually think I wanted you to die?”

“Honestly, the idea might have crossed my mind a few times,” said Konoha, laughing. “But I hoped that wasn’t the case. Because I wanted to make up with you before that.”

At this, Kuroha looked away. “Ridiculous,” he said. “I’ve texted Actor that you’re doing okay, and she should have relayed the message to your friends by now.”

“Thanks, Kuro.”

Kuroha paused before staring back into Konoha’s eyes.

“You better not die, Haruka.”

* * *

The surgery was scheduled for next week, and Konoha stayed in the hospital until then. In a flash, it felt like he was transported back to his old life, the one he was used to — he spent his days staring at the window, admiring the outside world he so briefly was a part of. In the depths of the night, he lay wide awake as the deafening silence swallowed him whole.

The only things he looked forward to during the week was visits from the Blindfold Gang. His friends made sure to keep him company whenever they could, oftentimes coming with presents, food, and stories. They didn’t all come at the same time, in consideration of everyone’s schedules and the other patients in the hospital. 

Shintaro, Ayano, and Ene visited him first. As the seniors of the group, they were greatly close-knit and knew each other before the gang even came into existence. Ayano excitedly talked about various occurrences at school while Shintaro added on occasionally. The four of them played games on Ene’s Nintendo Switch, and before they realized it, then sun had set and they had to start heading back. 

The next day, Hibiya arrived alongside, to Konoha’s utter surprise, Hiyori, who immediately skipped school and bought train tickets to come to their city upon the news of Konoha’s hospitalization. Hiyori immediately launched into stories about her city, and Konoha was more than happy to learn about the world beyond his reach. Hibiya stayed silent most of the time, only interjecting periodically, but it was obvious even to Konoha that the two freshmen in front of him were much better friends than before.

When Kido, Seto, and Kano visited, Kido brought him a large portion of her cooking. Konoha was more than happy to dig in; he loved their leader’s cooking, and it tasted like home and the memories of the times he wholeheartedly enjoyed. The four of them played Old Maid all afternoon, with Kano getting beat up by Kido often for his perfect bluffing.

Marry and Momo brought him flowers from the shop Seto worked part-time at. The three of them watched movies while devouring the snacks Momo brought from their collection at home. Afterwards, Momo begged him to teach her algebra, and Konoha was more than happy to help. 

Ene visited him again, alone this time. The two had been friends since freshman year, where they spent a year in the special needs classroom, just the two of them. Konoha had just had his surgery that allowed him to venture out beyond the constraints of the hospital room, attending school for the first time in a very long time. Out of concern for his being, the school put him in the class to make sure he was being taken care of.

That’s where he met Ene — no, Takane back then. At first, Konoha was scared of her; she showed a general disinterest in everyone around her, and Konoha thought he would end the school year without any friends. But no, he was wrong. The two got along extremely well, and Konoha discovered a whole new side of Ene that she hid under her sharp exterior. Although she always acted irritated and angry, underneath that scowl she hid how kind and sweet she truly was. 

He wanted to break her walls, to truly understand her, to see a side of her she showed him and him only. He wanted to stay close to her, to hold her tight, to spend the rest of his life with her, no matter how short it was destined to be. He wanted to be her number one. Perhaps this was what people called… love?

Konoha never yearned to fall in love — after all, how could he, when all he could do was cause destruction to those close to him if, _when_ , he met his end? But how could he stop himself from wanting love, from wanting _her_? The thought of telling her rarely crossed his mind; at least, he couldn’t afford to burden her as he was in this state. But at the same time, he could barely stop his love from overflowing within every word, every gaze, every movement. He felt lost, but maybe even more so, he was scared.

“Aren’t you scared, Haruka?”

Ene’s question brought him back to reality. Studying the girl’s somber expression, Konoha’s breath hitched in his throat. “Scared of what?”

“Are you stupid?” Ene hissed in frustration. “The surgery. Didn’t the doctors say that… the chances of success are slim?”

Konoha gave a quiet laugh. “I know that, Takane. But I’ve got to take the chances, don’t I? I can’t lose everything I have right now; I love my life so much. And I can’t lose you.”

“You’re an idiot,” spluttered Takane, ignoring her heating face. “You’ve always been so kind. Maybe it would’ve been better for you if you weren’t a delinquent like us.”

“That’s not true.” Konoha answered before he could even think about it. “Living is more than simply breathing; it’s spending time with the people you love and doing the things that make you happy. And with all of you, I am able to truly be myself. I can’t even start to thank you all.”

“But what if it doesn’t go well?”

“It’s true that I’m scared. I don’t want to die. But now, it’s all up to fate. All we can do is pray for a miracle.”

“I always lived believing that miracles are named so because they don’t happen,” said Ene, biting her lip. “But this time, I would do anything to make it happen.”

* * *

On the day before the surgery, to Konoha’s surprise, Actor showed up, dragging a reluctant-looking Kuroha into the hospital room with her. Konoha knew the two were acquaintances and decent friends, but to be able to force Kuroha to do something he didn’t particularly like doing required a friendship closer than that. Konoha was happy for their friendship, of course, but he couldn’t help but wonder how the two started hanging out together. The city’s most feared delinquent and the underground information broker… What a strange pair. 

“If you want to visit him, just visit him alone,” complained Kuroha as Actor excitedly made him sit down next to her near Konoha’s bed. “It’s not like you’re doing anything illegal.”

Actor gave him an annoyed look before sitting down. “Shut up! Have you just never visited him since he got hospitalized?” Sighing, she turned to Konoha instead. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing fine,” said Konoha, laughing. “Thanks for visiting me.”

“Of course we would! Right, Kuroha?”

“Yes, yes, whatever you say,” said Kuroha, rolling his eyes.

“You’re not busy anyway.” 

Konoha couldn’t help but laugh at their conversation. It wasn’t common that Kuroha acted this way around others; he had always been a lone wolf, and to see him allowing himself to become friends with someone made Konoha happy. 

“Anyway, Konoha! I’ve always been fascinated about the differences between you and Kuroha — you guys are twins, but you’re also completely different. You guys must have some interesting memories together,” said Actor. 

Konoha looked at Kuroha before answering. He knew that Kuroha didn’t necessarily stop disliking him yet, and perhaps telling stories of them from the past would make him angrier. But Kuroha simply shrugged and leaned back in his chair, giving him a silent “OK” signal to continue.

“We’ve had our share of memories together, since we grew up together,” said Konoha. Closing his eyes, he thought back to his fondest memories of his twin brother. “Ever since I was young, I had been physically weak and never really got to leave the hospital. Kuroha was different; he was healthy and was always in the outside world. When I was hospitalized, I remember he would occasionally sneak into my hospital room at night and bring me all the food and games I couldn’t enjoy. We stayed up all night talking, and we got caught many times. Even so, he wouldn’t give up; unlike me, he was never scared of anything and always had the freedom I wish I had.”

Actor looked towards Kuroha, who, at this point, looked slightly embarrassed. “You were so much nicer back then. What happened to you?” Actor asked.

“Shut up, Enomoto,” said Kuroha, looking away.

“It was really fun back then,” said Konoha, laughing. “That went on for around a year. It was probably when we were ten, maybe eleven. That was probably one of my fondest memories of my childhood. Since I was never able to go outside, Kuroha was the embodiment of the outside world I knew.”

“You were pathetic,” said Kuroha, his lips tugging upwards into a faint smile. “Ridiculous to watch. If I didn’t save you somehow, who knows how you would’ve turned out.”

“Hospital food was absolutely terrible; I don’t know how I would’ve survived without those snacks you snuck in.”

“I still don’t know how you ate so much in such a short amount of time. I had to pretend that I ate all of it and that I was always hungry so I wouldn’t get your stupid ass caught.”

“The food was good, though! How could you not finish it so quickly?”

“Don’t think they did anything for your health, though.”

“I was happy though. I was really happy.”

Kuroha rolled his eyes. “Then your conditions worsened, and it became unrealistic to keep up what we were doing.”

“You’re right. For a few years, I was in a very unstable state. We didn’t know if I was going to live for another few months or if I was going to die on the spot. My father told me on my twelfth birthday that I probably wouldn’t live past sixteen.”

“That’s… not a very good thing to say so casually,” said Actor softly.

“Fuck yeah it wasn’t,” said Kuroha, clicking his tongue. “That old man knows nothing of comforting people, or even being remotely empathetic. When Mom died, he barely said anything to us.”

“I’m sure he was too stuck in his own grief to think about anything else,” said Konoha. “But I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm. When I turned fifteen, I had a big surgery that miraculously seemed to cure all my problems. I was finally able to attend school, and I looked forward to high school more than anyone else. But only a few weeks after I got out of the hospital, _that_ happened.”

At this, Kuroha’s gaze visibly darkened, and Konoha didn’t know if he should continue. It wasn’t a good topic for Kuroha, one he certainly never addressed ever again, and perhaps talking about it would further provoke him. But Kuroha said nothing, and cautiously, Konoha continued.

“Father and Kuroha had a big disagreement. He didn’t approve of how Kuroha lived his life, picked fights, and hung around ‘bad influences.’ I don’t know what happened to my father that day, but he said some very… harsh things. As a result, Kuroha left the house entirely and never spoke to our father again unless it was absolutely necessary.”

“Yeah, that tends to happen when he tells me to kill myself,” said Kuroha, scoffing. “Point is, that old man and I will never see eye to eye, and that’s where everything ended. No more happy memories. Of course it was the adult who ruined it for us children.”

“I do miss them, though,” said Konoha, a sad laugh escaping from his throat. “Those times back when you didn’t hate me.”

“Kuroha doesn’t hate you!” said Actor, smacking in the arm. “Right?”

“She’s right,” said Kuroha after a long pause. “I don’t hate you.”

Konoha was surprised to hear it straight from Kuroha, especially in such a straightforward manner. “Kuro, I—”

“I have to leave now,” said Kuroha, cutting Konoha off before he could say anything in response. “Actor, if you still want a ride back, you better come with me now.”

“Ah, wait for me, you idiot!” Actor sighed at the sight of Kuroha already walking away out of the room. “See you, Konoha. I hope you get well soon.”

Konoha nodded. He smiled at the sight of Actor running to catch up with Kuroha and the two walking off, Actor teasing him about something while Kuroha batted her hand away and quickened his pace. Looking at them, Konoha couldn’t help but envy his brother.

If he could be healthy and alive like him, would he be less a burden to everyone?

* * *

A soft tapping on his window snapped him out of a daze. For a second, Konoha thought he was hallucinating. It was midnight, after all, and the surgery was to begin in a few hours. Konoha, however, was wide awake; staring into the glint of the moon, he couldn’t help but feel a wave of fear wash over him. 

Was today going to be his last? 

He thought that at this point, he had accepted his fate. If this were years ago, he wouldn’t be surprised if he had little to no time left. But now that the countdown was getting closer to its finale, the fear started to creep in. 

The tapping on the window grew louder; there was no way this was a hallucination. Konoha got out of bed and opened the window, wondering if it was a lost bird or some other form of nature. Instead, he stared into his own face, who smirked. 

“Let me in,” he said simply.

Konoha moved to the side and Kuroha climbed into his room. Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, Kuroha set a plastic bag onto the bed, gesturing for Konoha to open it. Konoha did as he was told and immediately stared at Kuroha in surprise. The bag was filled with his favorite snacks, the same ones the twins would share in secret during their childhood. 

“Kuro… What is this?” asked Konoha, dumbfounded.

“Can’t you tell?” said Kuroha lazily. “It’s for you. Snacks. I know you like these.”

“Thanks… But why are you here?”

“What, should I have not come?” asked Kuroha, raising an eyebrow. “If you want, I can leave right now.”

“That’s not what I meant. You know what I mean.”

Kuroha sighed and looked away before answering. “I thought about today,” he said. “I came to the conclusion that it would be better for the both of us if I stopped avoiding your efforts of reconciling.”

“I…”

“Don’t say anything just yet. Just listen to me,” said Kuroha. “Growing up, I always knew that our parents liked you better. You were smarter, kinder, and a better person than I was. Our parents knew that, and so did I. The only person who never thought so was you — and that made me even angrier. I couldn’t simply hate you like I wanted to, because you never treated me badly.”

“I’d never treat you badly, Kuro.”

“I know, and that infuriated me. Everyone was disappointed in me, and every time I messed up or got into a fight, the old man would always, _always_ , ask me why I couldn’t be more like you. And of course, he would pick a time when you weren’t around to say this to me. To him, I was a disappointment, and you were limited by your illness. If you had a healthy body, he would have never even bothered to look at me.”

“I never knew that happened to you.”

“It’s not your fault, and I’ve known that all this time,” said Kuroha, sighing. “But when that thing happened with… _Dad_ , I was furious that you stayed silent. Because you always treated me well, I assumed that you didn’t know of his secret attitude towards me. But when he said all that vile shit in front of both of us, you did nothing to defend me. That led me to believe you’ve been fake this whole time and that I was all alone once again. That was the final straw that made me truly believe that nobody in that household was on my side, and so I left.”

In a flash, Konoha was transported back in time, and he saw the events four years ago unfold before his eyes once again. He had never seen either of his family members like this before; their gazes were murderous, and they hurled not only harsh words and insults at each other, but also their fists and whatever they could get their hands on. The impact of their father’s palm against Kuroha’s cheek made Konoha gasp, but Kuroha only scoffed. 

“Finally showing your true colors?” Kuroha sneered as he stood his ground. “You’re a little braver than I thought you were. I thought you wanted to preserve your ‘holy father-like’ image in front of dear Haruka, who never does anything wrong.”

“How dare you speak to your father in that tone,” their father spat back. “You’re hopeless. Just looking at you disgusts me; I wish you’d disappear already.”

“You think I’m disgusting?” Kuroha let out a cold laugh. “Adults like you are just the same. You think you’re so much better than I am, but really, who are you to talk? Do you think you’ve been a good parent all these years? Hating your own son for living life the way he wants to? Beating him to stop him from being around his friends, because they’re ‘bad influences?’ Really, what kind of monster are you?”

“You’re not my son.” Their father spoke through gritted teeth as he glared at Kuroha. “You’re a filthy monster. I wish you would die already. Maybe that way, the world would become a better place.”

Kuroha didn’t respond. Without a word, he went back into his room and re-emerged with a suitcase and a backpack. Before he headed out the door, he glanced at Konoha, who had sat in the middle of the fight and was too stunned to speak. Scoffing, Kuroha closed the door on the Kokonose household and never returned. 

“I… I didn’t know.” Konoha was stunned beyond words. “I was too shocked to say anything. But that didn’t mean I didn’t want to help you.”

“I know, I know,” said Kuroha. “Maybe I stopped blaming you a long time ago, but I just didn’t want to think about it. Actor kept pestering me to solve things out with you, telling me that I would feel better once I did. And truthfully, I do feel more relieved this way.”

“I’m sorry, Kuro. I should’ve known what you were going through.”

“It’s fine. It’s all in the past now. I’m good with how I’m living right now, anyways.”

“So are we good now?”

“Yeah, I hope so.” Kuroha smiled ever so slightly. “Now that we got that out of the way, are you good?”

“Why?”

“You know, surgery tomorrow. You scared?”

“Honestly, I am,” said Konoha. “If it doesn’t go well, then I won’t be able to spend time with everyone again.”

“They kept telling you that you wouldn’t live past sixteen, but here you are. I think you’re blessed enough to be able to live a long life.”

“Kuro… If I die, how am I going to tell Takane that I love her?”

Kuroha paused before staring right into Konoha’s eyes. “That’s why you’re going to live. You’re going to live and tell her yourself one day.”

“I guess we’ll find out in a few hours.”

* * *

The memories before the surgery were a blur to him. All he remembered was his skyrocketing fear that seemed to reach new heights by the second and losing consciousness from the anesthesia.

When he regained consciousness, he stared up at the white ceiling, catching his breath. He was alive. The searing pain in his chest had disappeared altogether, and replacing it was a sense of calmness he had never experienced before. Before he could think any further, a knock from the door interrupted his thoughts.

“KONOHA!”

A chorus of screaming and excited outbursts flooded the room as all of his friends stumbled into the room. The gang rushed to hug him as they cried, excitedly celebrating his return. Out of the corner of his eye, Konoha saw Kuroha leaning against the wall, smiling faintly at the scene in front of him. The twins’ gazes met for a second, and the two of them smiled at each other. Silently, Kuroha mouthed:

“Welcome back, Haruka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "brotherhood," "bad parenting," "reconcilement"
> 
> instead of writing entirely about haruka's fear for death under his façade of cheery and airheadedness, i wanted to include how the people around him handle the situation. there's his father, who is obviously just a bad example of a parent: he has his prejudices around certain stereotypes of people and isn't empathetic for either of his sons. then there's kuroha, who was established as seemingly greatly disliking konoha from the last few chapters, but decided to reconcile ~~because he still has some good in his heart~~
> 
> again, in this chapter, we discuss a side of kuroha's character that's different from his general public image. in the last chapter, we looked at how kuroha isn't as evil as everyone thinks he is, and in this chapter, we kinda see where he gets his general attitude from. his father really screwed him over. and of course, we look at kuroha and konoha's relationship as brothers and twins. unlike ene and actor, who share similarities as twins and are on pretty good terms, kuroha and konoha are nothing alike and seemed to not get along for no reason -- until this chapter. after all, they're brothers, and kuroha isn't heartless to the point where he'd risk never reconciling with konoha.


	6. Kisaragi Attention

“Kisaragi? Oh, you mean the older one, right?”

These words were some of her earliest memories, and they plagued her childhood like no other. For as long as she could remember, she lived in the shadows of her brother’s success; her parents never looked at her, no matter how hard she tried. Her brother was better in every area possible; with his intelligence, he didn’t even have to put forth any effort to be better than her, than most people. He was what the world called a “genius,” and she should have known better. 

Maybe she knew deep down that there was nothing she could do to win against her brother. But if she kept trying, kept fighting towards victory with such grounded acceptance, wouldn’t she just look like an idiot? She had no choice but to push aside the reality buried deep within her just so that she wouldn’t succumb to the despair of knowing she will never shine as bright as her brother.

She never spoke of her inferiority complex; for how could she, when her parents already saw her as less than her brother? She never blamed him for being better; in fact, she was always supportive of his achievements. But she would always feel that rotten feeling of envy and jealousy eat away at her heart every time she praised him, and she hated herself for it. She did everything she could to cover up such an ugly part of herself, and she did her best to captivate the attention of everyone around her. 

After all, she just wanted to be seen.

* * *

The club was where she spent many of her Friday nights at, getting absolutely wasted. The strobing of the lights did nothing for her sobriety, or lack thereof, and she often lost herself as she stared into the flashes of blue and orange and purple and green that seemed to always settle on red before she turned her attention back to the shot glasses in front of her. She paralyzed her nerves by downing shots after shots of tequila then turning to the dance floor as the music blasted in her ears. 

She knew that sixteen was young, too young to be at a place as messy as the club, but she liked the messiness, and the night, too, was young, right? It was a Friday night, anyway, and in those few hours she spent partying, she felt alive.

Momo was always the center of attention at the club; she captivated many of the guys’ attention, but she always stuck close to her friends. She was the only sophomore; many of her friends were in her brother’s grade, and they didn’t hang out much at school, as Momo was always with the gang. At the club, however, they danced the night away together and protected each other. 

The gang never went with Momo, but that was understandable. They didn’t have fake IDs, for one, and none of them were the “loud music and getting drunk” type. Kido appreciated some good music, but she was more of a “indie band at a live house” type of person. Seto, Marry, Ayano, and Konoha were too wholesome to be present at a place like this. Shintaro and Ene were sworn shut-ins that would literally perish in an environment as loud and populated as this. Hibiya was too young and Momo wasn’t about to be a bad influence like that, and even if he were older, he would just shake his head at the crazy crowd. The only person she managed to drag along a few times was Kano, who did enjoy the atmosphere and the alcohol and would accompany her occasionally. 

Today, Kano was absent, and as usual, Momo lost herself in the crowd. She was aware that people stared at her at times, and she was fine with it. In fact, she welcomed it; she couldn’t help but smile inwardly whenever she felt the gazes she captivated land upon her. It was a while after midnight, however, and it was around time to head back. 

“Excuse me!”

They were only a few steps from the exit of the club when a voice from behind stopped them. It was a woman in her late 20s, and involuntarily, Momo tensed up. She was still a minor, after all, and was not supposed to be let into the club. She had never been caught before, since her friends all had connections and she looked rather mature for her age. What if this woman was a manager, and they would get into big trouble?

“What’s wrong?” Nicole Fujimura was the one who responded. As the “leader” of their little group and the most popular girl at school, Nicole was known, respected, and even feared by many students, even their friends. She was _the_ Regina George of their school, but much less of a bully. As a sophomore, Momo literally had no right to be hanging around someone like Nicole originally, but Nicole reached out to Momo and asked if she wanted to join them outside of school; it was probably because of Momo’s career on Instagram. 

“Oh, I’m sorry if this is sudden,” said the woman who approached them. “My name is Chihiro Otonashi, and I am an idol manager at YH Entertainment, and I was just wondering if this young lady is signed to any management company yet and if she was interested in being an idol!” 

At first, Momo thought the woman was talking to Nicole. It would come as no surprise for Nicole to receive another offer to join the entertainment world; after all, she was simply _beautiful_. Momo was beyond envious of Nicole’s natural blue eyes, long eyelashes, and wavy, blonde hair; her soft features blended Japanese and French beauty perfectly, and oh my god, Momo knew that if she looked like _that,_ she’d be smiling in her sleep.

But then, she noticed how her friends all stared at her, and so was the manager woman. It took a few seconds for something to click in her brain, and when it did, she looked back and forth between her friends and the manager woman. “Wait, me?”

“Yes, you! Are you interested?”

Momo was at a loss of words. She _did_ occasionally look into girl groups when their music videos trended on YouTube; she marveled at the vocal and dance abilities of BLACKPINK and Mamamoo, but never did she ever dream of becoming like them or participating in the same entertainment world as them. She was never a choir or dance team girl, but an opportunity like this doesn’t come all the time.

If she became an idol, would everyone finally look at her?

“Here’s my business card,” said Chihiro, handing a thin piece of paper to Momo. “If you’re interested, please give me a call.”

As Chihiro walked away, Momo stared at the business card. It was still hard for her to believe what had just happened; it seemed like a dream come true, almost too good to be true. Someone saw her, specifically her, and wanted her to be known to the world. Isn’t that what she always wanted? For someone to notice her?

“Way to go, Momo-chan!” Nicole said as she gave her a big hug. “Remember us when you’re famous, babe!”

“Seriously, that’s impressive!” said one of her other friends. “I honestly thought we were gonna be exposed for being underage.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Nicole, laughing. “I have connections. We won’t get busted. But that’s not the point right now! Our Momo-chan got scouted and we should all be proud. So what do you think?”

“I’m… honestly not sure if this is a dream or not.”

“Come on, it’s real! I’ll pinch you if you want to check!”

Momo laughed, and as they headed home, she couldn’t stop thinking about the offer she just received. She wanted to take it, but she was too tired to think straight. It was a problem that the her of tomorrow would have to think about instead.

* * *

Hangover mornings were never great, and this one was no exception. Luckily, it was a Saturday morning, so she had plenty of time to recover. Most of the gang was outside: Seto was at his part-time job, Marry and Hibiya were at the library, Ene and Konoha were at the arcade, and Kido was out for groceries. After the disgusting feeling in the stomach and the pain in her head faded to a minimum, she sat on the couch, staring at the business card she got last night. It still seemed like a dream to her, but now that she was sober, she had to accept that it was, without a doubt, real. 

It wasn’t just a dream; it was a dream come true. For as long as she could remember, she wanted someone to look at her, notice her for things only she could do. But those things didn’t seem to exist, for there was always someone who could do it better close by. It was just natural; she knew it from the start. But that didn’t stop her from wishing, hoping, yearning for the attention. 

And now, an opportunity was placed before her. Maybe it was god’s way of telling her that it was time. Maybe she should do as fate tells her to; it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, after all.

“Hey, what’s that you have there, Momo-chan?”

It was Kano. It was a little unusual to see him at the base just lounging around; Momo thought he’d be out wrecking mischief on people or something. She was hesitant on consulting him about the offer, since he seemed like someone who wouldn’t take things seriously. But after a moment’s consideration, she decided that he was probably worth trusting.

“I got scouted to be an idol yesterday when I was leaving the club,” she said. “The manager person gave me a business card.” 

“Whoa, you got scouted?” said Kano, amazed. “Damn, that’s crazy! Oh my god, wait, was it some creepy dude? Are they, like, trustworthy?” 

“No, it was a young woman and she—”

She was cut off by the sound of aluminum hitting the floor and a quiet curse of “oh, shit.” The two of them looked towards the source of the sound and saw Shintaro staring back at them. The puddle of coke spilling from the can he dropped was spreading by the second, and Shintaro sighed and grabbed tissues from the living room table to clean up the mess. 

“Man, what are you doing?” said Kano, sighing but also trying to hold back a laugh at the same time. “Kido’s gonna be _so_ mad at you when she gets back if she finds out.” 

“I’d prefer if you didn’t tell her,” said Shintaro as he threw the soaked tissues away. “Besides, that’s not the point. Momo, what did you just say?”

“I uh, got scouted. To be an idol,” said Momo slowly.

“Are you… going to accept?” asked Shintaro. 

Momo looked down at her hands, unable to bring herself to meet his intense gaze. She didn’t know why she had to feel guilty or like she was doing something wrong when she really didn’t do anything. At least not yet. “I don’t know. Maybe? Probably? You don’t get this sort of opportunity often. Or ever, really.”

Shintaro sighed louder than ever. He looked like he wanted to headbutt her, or himself. Or both, maybe. “So you’re telling me that you’re going to accept and become an idol? All of a sudden?”

“Is there anything wrong with that?”

“Momo. You… Are you for real?”

Momo furrowed her brows. “Why are you like this? What’s with the attitude? Can’t you just support your younger sister like you’re supposed to?”

Shintaro sighed again. “You have no background in singing or dancing, and it’s not like idols can debut immediately. They go through so much training for years; are you really willing to put forth all of that time and effort? It’s not an easy job, you know, and definitely not something you can just… decide to do without the determination.”

“What makes you think I’ll give up? I’ll work hard! I’ll do my best!”

“Momo… I’m not saying that you _can’t_ do it, but that you _shouldn’t_. I’m not doubting your abilities or anything. It’s just… The entertainment world is beyond messy; you probably know that better than I do. You’d have to give up the life you have right now; quit the gang, take time away from school… You’d have to put forth so much effort into something that’s not guaranteed. Do you know how many people don’t get to debut and just end up wasting their time training for something they won’t get? What makes you think so naively that you’ll be different from everyone else?”

“Don’t lecture me like that! I think I can do it. Why are you being so negative about this?”

“It’s just… You know. The people you see at the top are only the tip of the iceberg; there’s way too many people being buried underneath the surface. It’s not like you have a magical ability to captivate other people’s attention or anything.”

Momo bit her lip. Those words stung, and she never wanted to hear them coming from someone else’s mouth, especially not her brother’s. “You’re right,” she said, a sad laugh escaping from her mouth. “I don’t. I don’t have that sort of ability to captivate other people’s attention. How could I forget? Thanks for reminding me.”

“That’s… not what I meant,” said Shintaro, wincing. He, too, probably noticed that he hit a sore spot. “I’m just saying that you shouldn’t jump into something like the entertainment world so blindly.”

“You’re right, you’re right. Of course you’re right; you’re always right. You’ve never been wrong in your entire life; how could I possibly expect Shintaro Kisaragi, the genius who’s always praised for being right, to understand me?”

“Goddamn it, Momo, would you just listen to me for once? For god’s sake, you’re making me sound like the unreasonable one here.”

“Oh, so _I’m_ unreasonable for following my dreams. Thanks, brother, you really serve as a great example.”

“Being an idol isn’t even your dream! The job itself isn’t even what you really want.”

“Who are _you_ to tell me what _I_ want?” Momo yelled. “You’re unbelievable. Don’t talk like you know everything about me!”

“I’m saying all of this _because_ I know what you want!” To her surprise, Shintaro yelled back at her just as loud. She rarely saw her brother seriously mad like this, and it honestly scared her a little. But she was too angry to feel anything other than burning hate right now, so she glared back at him. 

“You don’t understand,” she said coldly. “You never have. You’ve always had the spotlight for as long as I remember, and you have no idea how I felt. Nobody understands how I felt. Don’t you _dare_ tell me that you know what I want.”

With that, she stood up. Ignoring Kano, who winced and muttered “well, that’s awkward” under his breath, she didn’t forget to give her brother another glare before slamming the door behind her. 

Shintaro Kisaragi may share the same blood as Momo Kisaragi, but he will never understand her pain. 

* * *

She left the base in a fit of rage, but all she could do was walk around aimlessly as her mind filled with thoughts. In the past, she and her brother were relatively close; although he seemed cold and emotionless at times to others, he protected her, comforted her, and helped her to the best of his abilities. But starting from somewhere, sometime, they started to drift apart, and she no longer believed he understood her. 

The more she thought about it, the more the tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She could do nothing to stop them from escaping, so they came cascading down her cheeks. She wore no makeup, only a hoodie and sweats paired with a messy bun, and as she crouched down into a ball on the sidewalk, she was aware that people stared at her only because of how much of a mess she looked like. 

“Momo?”

She looked up mid-sob and into a familiar pair of red eyes, who stared back at her, surprised. It was Kido; she carried a few bags of groceries and was probably on the way back home. The moment she saw Kido, Momo felt the dam holding back all her sadness being lifted, and she practically threw herself at Kido, wailing as she did. 

“Leader…” she hiccuped as she buried her face in Kido’s hoodie. 

Kido was stunned for a few seconds before she hugged Momo back, smoothing out her hair as she whispered “there, there.” Once Momo’s wailing faded to a minimum, Kido led her to the nearby park, where they sat down on one of the benches.

“I have the iced tea that Marry asked for or Shintaro’s coke; which one do you want?” asked Kido as she dug through one of the grocery bags. 

Hearing her brother’s name, Momo pouted. “I don’t want anything to do with him right now,” she said quietly.

Kido raised an eyebrow as she handed Momo the iced tea. “What happened all of a sudden?”

“I was scouted to be an idol yesterday, and I was telling Kano about it. My brother overheard, and he immediately started drilling me for being naive or whatever. Basically he just was very very disapproving and he didn’t want to support me at all.”

“An idol, wow. Isn’t that impressive? I don’t know why he was disapproving, either,” said Kido. “Usually, you two seem to be on pretty good terms.”

Momo bit her lip as she stared at the ground in front of her. “Leader, can I tell you a story?”

“You can tell me anything, anytime,” said Kido softly. 

Momo closed her eyes as she retraced her memories back to the very beginning. Even after all this time, she still remembered everything as clear as ever; these were things she never told anyone, frankly because she never had any friends, but also because she didn’t want others to pity her. But she knew she could trust Kido, and maybe it was time for her to open up a little more. 

“Ever since I was young, I was ordinary, while my brother was gifted. He was and still is what we call a “genius,” and of course, I was no match for him. He brought home grades with nothing lower than a hundreds, and he made our parents proud. They doted over him, praised him, looked at him and him only. ‘He’s going to accomplish great things in the future,’ they said. ‘He’s gonna go to Harvard, gonna save the world. He’s got that in store for him.’ He was the one who my parents boasted about to relatives and family friends, so much that they seemed to forget they had a daughter at all.

“I was practically non-existent. I can’t count how many times where I’ve wanted to talk to my parents, but they were busy with something that had to do with my brother. Whenever I messed up something, they would ask me, ‘why can’t you be more like Shintaro?’ I was never able to answer that question; even though I did my best all the time, it just never seemed like it was enough. I was never enough for them.

“I did try to compete against him at first, but it never worked. I wasn’t gifted with great intelligence, so I never scored very well on tests. I soon realized that it was pointless trying to compete against a genius; there was no way I would win against him. And then, the time I tried one last time to win against him ended… badly.”

Here, Momo took a deep breath and closed her eyes as the memories of that day resurfaced. These were things she never told anyone, and it still haunted her to this day. Letting out a breath shakily, she continued.

“There was one day when my family went to the beach together. I was young, maybe around eight or nine. My brother went for a swim, and my parents praised him for how far he was able to swim and how ‘fearless’ he seemed to be. I immediately proclaimed that I could do better than that and told them to watch, and without waiting for a response, I ran towards the water. I swam until I was alone in the water; I couldn’t see anyone around me, and the shoreline was far. My limbs were getting tired, and my teeth started to chatter from the cold. I started to panic; I wasn’t the best at swimming, and I really don’t know what gave me the confidence to swim out so far.

“My dad came out to find me, and we tried to swim back to the shore, but… The waves were getting too wild, and we got wiped out. I went unconscious, and when I woke up, I was told that… I was the only one who…”

A tear interrupted Momo’s story, and soon, another one followed. Kido pulled her into a tight embrace as Momo bit her lip, wishing the tears wouldn’t fall so easily. 

“You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to,” said Kido softly. 

Momo shook her head. “I’m okay. But… From that day onwards, I stopped comparing myself to my brother. I… I blamed it all on myself. If I hadn’t done that, then maybe things would be different. Maybe Dad wouldn’t have to…die. I hated myself for it; ‘if I was better, then this wouldn’t have happened,’ I thought to myself. ‘I’m not good enough.’ Slowly, I started to think that I wasn’t good enough for anything and that I was worthless, and maybe that made me crave attention even more. I just wanted someone to look at me, just me and not my brother. I just didn’t want to be invisible anymore. That’s why I started the Instagram influencer stuff. And why I go clubbing, and why I dress the way I do. And maybe that’s what I thought about when I got the idol offer. I thought that maybe this time, people will finally notice me.”

“I… didn’t know any of that.”

“Sorry for saying all this, and all of a sudden, too. It must be a lot to take in,” said Momo, a sad chuckle escaping from her lips. “I’ve never told anyone any of this, so I really don’t know what I’m looking for in a response, either.” 

Kido smiled slightly. “I just think how it’s ironic,” she said softly.

“Why?”

“While you wanted to stand out to the people around you, I wanted to disappear really bad when I was younger.”

Momo stared at Kido. She realized that just like how Kido knew nothing about her struggles, she knew nothing of Kido’s struggles either. “What happened?” she asked quietly.

“My family used to be pretty wealthy; my father was a business man who owned a company, and we lived in a big mansion with maids and butlers; it’s the sort of thing you see in movies. But I was an illegitimate child; my mother was a nobody and she died giving birth to me, and I was immediately sent to my father’s place. From that day onwards, I was raised to be an heir to the Kido business and name, but everyone knew that I had no chance of actually inheriting anything. I was the dirty spot in my father’s past that he wanted to cover up but couldn’t. 

“For years, rumors followed me everywhere. At the gala events we attended, I could see the disgusted gazes directed towards me from all these upper-class nobles, who thought I was too low in status to even breathe the same air as them. Even at my own house, the servants lowered their voices to hushed whispers whenever I was around, and some even refused to work for me. I felt sorry for existing, and I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be invisible, so that I could escape from all this.”

“I didn’t know any of that, either.”

“I haven’t been the best at opening up about things, either. Only Kano, Seto, and Aya-nee knew about it. When I was around eight, my father’s business failed, and in a fit of rage, he set fire to the house. I was the only one who survived. I had an older sister, and she was the only person who cared about me back then; I lost her in that fire. Only recently did I find out that her mother, my father’s wife, was alive as well, and she did everything she could to harass me. She literally tried to kill me.” At this, Kido let out a lighthearted chuckle.

“So that was what that note was talking about? The one about the fire?” asked Momo as realization dawned upon her.

“Yeah. She seemed to hate me for ruining her marriage.”

“And so that was why Kano-san was being so cautious during that time?”

“Yeah. That idiot went a little overboard, but I really do have to thank him.”

Momo couldn’t help but smile a little. “You and your siblings really are close, huh?”

“Well, Seto, Kano, and I go way back. I actually didn’t get along very well with them when I first met them; Seto’s constant use of honorific speech back then pissed me off because it reminded me of my upbringing, and Kano’s constant jokes and lies just made me want to beat him up. But now, I’m happy to say that we trust each other with everything. Seto’s like a real brother to me, but Kano… He’s…”

Momo raised an eyebrow at the implications of Kido’s words. “He’s… different?”

Kido’s face visibly reddened at Momo’s words. “Anyways! My point is that we’re close, but that doesn’t mean we always got along. But even if we don’t get along sometimes, that doesn’t mean we don’t all love each other very much. I’m sure Shintaro always wants the best for you, too.”

“I honestly thought that nobody understood me and that I was the only one who was suffering, but now, I see it’s super self-centered to think like that. Thanks for telling me all of this, Leader. Thanks for trusting me, too.”

“You trusted me with your story, too, so thanks for that as well.”

“Finally talking about it made me feel much better. It’s like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders,” said Momo, laughing.

“But that’s not all I wanted to talk about,” said Kido, looking into her eyes seriously. “I know your problem isn’t something you just fix overnight, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re worthless anymore. You are most definitely good enough, and we see you as you, not your brother or anyone else. We are your friends, your companions, and we will always be here for you. Always remember that, and come to us whenever you need anything.”

“Leader…” Momo felt the urge to cry once again. The girl in front of her was so strong, so kind, and she cared so much. Although Kido had really the opposite situation, she truly understood Momo, and Momo felt safer than she ever did.

“You can have bad days, and you can be sad. But never feel like you are alone.”

* * *

When Momo returned to the base, she saw Shintaro nervously pacing around the living room, looking stressed out. The two stared at each other for a bit before Momo walked up to him. Shintaro was silent, but he was clearly trying to format his words in his head.

“Come on, Shin, you better apologize,” said Kano.

Kido raised an eyebrow as she set down her bags of groceries on the dining table. “Kano, literally shut the fuck up.”

“What? He’s been practicing his apology for at least fifteen minutes now.”

Kido rolled her eyes as she grabbed Kano and pulled him back to his room, leaving the Kisaragi siblings to stare awkwardly at each other in a silence that was equally as awkward.

“Hey, uh… I really wasn’t very nice earlier,” said Shintaro, looking away. “I said some mean shit. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, too,” said Momo. “I know you don’t mean any harm.”

“That’s a relief,” said Shintaro, letting out a breath he was holding in. “So we’re not mad at each other anymore?”

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Shintaro nodded slowly. “Listen, if you really want to do it, I’m not gonna stop you,” he said. “I’ll support you, you know.”

“Ah, about that…” Momo smiled. “I’ve decided that I won’t do it.”

“Wait, what? Why? If it’s because of what I said, then—”

“No, it’s my own decision.” Momo sighed. “You’re right. I wanted to become an idol not because I liked singing and dancing or because I wanted to perform and be on stage. I wanted to do it because I wanted to stand out, to have the attention. I wanted other people to look at me; that’s all. If I became an idol for reasons like these, then wouldn’t it be disrespectful to the people who are actually passionate about it?”

“Are you sure? It _is_ a once in a lifetime opportunity, like you said.”

“Yeah,” said Momo. “I’m sure.”

Shintaro looked away. “I was against it because I thought it would break you. Being an idol and fighting everyone for love and attention… I couldn’t see how that would be good for your mental health in any way. I don’t want you to suffer, you know.”

“You knew about it…?” She always thought Shintaro was oblivious of her struggles and that he would never understand how she felt; never did she expect him to be fully aware of them.

“About your inferiority complex? Yeah, how could I not? Besides, with how Mom and Dad acted, it’d be impossible to _not_ feel that way. I was mad at them for treating you that way, too. Told them on multiple occasions, but they always brushed it off as me making a big deal out of it.”

Momo didn’t know what to say. All this time, she thought her brother never understood, but really, he did everything he could to help her. “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me,” said Shintaro. “I couldn’t do enough. I’m sorry, Momo.”

Momo bit her lip as she forced back the all-too familiar sensation of tears forming. “Stop it, you’re gonna make me cry again. I’ve cried way too much today,” she said, laughing. 

Embarrassed, Shintaro paused for a few seconds to gather up his courage before holding out his arms. “If you wanna cry, you can,” he said as his face reddened. “You don’t have to hold back or anything.”

For a second, Momo didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or cry anymore. She threw herself at Shintaro, practically tackling him in the process. She smiled to herself as Shintaro smoothed out her hair, and it was as if they were children again, before Momo felt any bit of self-consciousness. 

“Thanks, big bro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keywords of the chapter: "inferiority complex," "attention vs. being invisible," "sibling relationships"
> 
> momo's inferiority complex has always been something i thought was very important to her character. in canon, it's what she based her idol career off and of course, it's how she got her ability. i think it's really sad how parents compare their children and favor one over the other, and momo definitely suffered because of this. she became really self-conscious and had low self-esteem because of it, and i think it's something really important to take note of. and of course, because i'm writing about this, we'd have to address the kisaragi siblings and their relationship. in canon, shintaro is really protective of momo and he is aware of how these things affect her, and i wanted to show that although shintaro is kinda shit at wording things, he really cares deeply about momo. ~~idk why im writing about sibling relationships so much as an only child~~
> 
> and of course, the contrast between momo and kido have always been interesting. in canon, their abilities are literally the opposite, and so were their wishes; and yet, they're more similar than you think they'd be. i also wanted to show some pure friendship, where momo and kido listen to each other's stories and help each other. that's what friends are for, isn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> if you have any questions do not hesitate to let me know!


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